DRUNK. #𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗁𝗒𝗎𝖼𝗄

11

"...i'm tired, renjun."

i heard his voice, as if crying for help...it's all too similar...

"i'm so tired." in between of his words, silent tears streamed down his face, landing on the table. "i'm sick and tired of having to deal with the same old people who claim to be my friends. i'm tired with everyone using me as they please...it's been so long since i've had a genuine relationship with someone who is friends with me because of me, not because i give them benefit... i ended up hating everyone around me. the ingenuine friends i felt i had. even if in reality it wasn't the case, i had nothing but doubt about my relationships with others." 

he lowered his head, refusing to look at me as he continued, "being dragged into parties, bars, stupid things like this...i hate it all. yet even if they know i hate it, they still bring me here..." 

i guess he was talked about his friends he would sit with during recess. those four that were known to be gossip-lovers. 

"i was hanging onto my last string of life. renjun-ah...when you were here, it felt like i had hope. when you were here with me, i could drown out the stupid mocking laughs that would surround me. i finally learned what it meant to have someone beside me, someone who saw me for who i was instead of the entertainment and benefit i would bring to them...so why..." his shaky voice trailed off.

"it's selfish but...why did you...not even tell me anything..." he slowly looked up, as i saw his pained expression. 

the same expression...that...

i found myself feeling his sadness. "i guess...it's my turn to explain, huh?"

before it's too late...i can't let it happen again...

"...i'm sorry. this coward here is no fit to be who you call your friend." donghyuck was silent as he let me continue. "...i think your little group knows this already, considering they know most of the stuff that goes around in this campus. people consider me as a cold person. they're not wrong...i push people away with one stare. yet you...you stuck around anyways."

.

.

.

similar to you, donghyuck...my only best friend, 3 years ago lost his hope. but unlike him, i came before it was too late.

he took his own life in front of my eyes. he stabbed himself multiple times with that blade in his hand, as he cried out the words, "i'm sorry, renjun. i have no more hope in this world. thank you for letting me see the little light that exists here...but it's too heavy. the burden is too heavy for me." 

i watched in horror as he collapsed on his apartment floor, bleeding insanely. being that shocked, i couldn't move. "the little light..." the light i gave him was not enough to save him from the pain i didn't even realize was there. my eyes landed on his body with his sad smile, as his eyelids slowly closed. 

in the end, he was the one who said sorry. i wasn't able to apologize to him when he was still alive that i wasn't the good friend i was supposed to be for him who was always caring and kind; for him who was my reason to live, and for him who was the only person i could ever love. 

i promised my pathetic self that day as i drenched myself in my own sadness and tears, locked in my room alone. 

.

.

.

"i won't be anyone's light. and to do so, i changed myself completely. the person who i used to be was considered dead to me. i refused to be approachable for others. yet here i am, talking to someone i had hurt once again." 

"i know that doesn't give me a sense of justification for sort of ghosting you, knowing i would hurt you. donghyuck...you ended up becoming my friend. you ended up becoming someone like him to me. i still don't know why i was okay with you around me. i didn't know why you felt like a magnet i couldn't stop being attracted to you. hyuck, i went to china for the last month to visit his grave. when i came back to korea, i didn't want to call or message you. i'm sorry for that. i guess i was just in...denial that i broke my own promise. in the end, i still ended up hurting the people i love."

right then and there, donghyuck stood up from his chair. he walked towards my chair then bent to get to my level. with his one arm holding the surface of my chair, he leaned closer. the next thing i knew, i felt his soft lips on mine. immediately pulling away after, his lips formed into a light smile. the same warm smile that accompanied me for the last few months. 

"oh, injun. with two broken hearts of ours, what do you think we should do?" 

he gave me a shock, and i was left speechless with a pounding heart. "h-huh? what...what we should do...?" i guess i was too distracted to look at the younger who had just...did that to me. was he just drunk? he wouldn't have done that if he wasn't drunk...right?

his arms wrapped around my body into an embrace. "...you're a good person, injun. the fact that you left longer, it did hurt. but, with you gone, it somehow opened my eyes to know what an actual friend is and how they would treat you. we both have our own scars, right? so let's fix them together. and with you sharing this to me is how you fixed the part you messed up. though, i'm fine now, too. i forgive you." 

he got a hold of my hand and pulled me up from my seat, his arms straight away pulled me close to him with his head resting on my neck. 

"i'm so tired, so can't you stay with me for a little while longer?"

he felt so warm and his smile made him shine brighter, making me infected with his joy. "of course i can...but i'm not sure if i have enough battery to share with you, hyuck." 

"no, you don't have to worry about that part. with you here, happy and safe, i think that's more than enough for me to recharge." 

stupid kid...he was definitely drunk if he was spitting out cheesy lines like those. but then again, i love this stupid kid.