Today's the day before Risa's birthday at hinihintay ko si Bryce na dalhin dito sa opisina 'yung pinapabili kong libro sa kanya. I remembering reading that book months ago and crying kasi I relate to it on a personal level.
As much as I wanted to give Risa a copy of that book early on, I became preoccupied with a lot more things so I never really got the time to. Habang hinihintay ko si Bryce, pumasok 'yung isa kong staff and may dala siyang pug who wore a white shirt and had a pink leather collar.
While playing with the dog, hindi ko napigilang matawa kasi narealize ko na 'yung getup niya is similar to Risa's way back our campaign days.
I opened my phone to send Risa a picture of the dog. "Look oh, she reminds me of you."
"Are you implying na naalala moa ko dahil kamukha ko 'yang aso?" She replied not even two minutes later. Ang bilis mag-reply ha. Na-imagine kong nagtataray siya pero nakapout para magpa-cute.
"Hoy hindi! Naalala ko lang during our campaign days you wore a white polo shirt all the time and then you wore the pink leather band on your wrist na parang 'yung collar netong dog haha!" I replied still not being able to stop laughing. Ang cute lang kasi talaga, what a coincidence.
"Grabe ka na sa'kin, Maria Leonor. Akala ko ba maganda ako. Ngayon naman naalala mo na ako dahil sa aso." Ay tampo yarn?
"Maganda ka naman talaga." I bit my lip as I typed my reply, "Naalala ko lang talaga. 'Wag ka na magtampo dyan."
Then I sent her a selfie of me in a duck face. Para hindi mahalatang kiss kahit ayun naman talaga gusto kong iparating.
"Kiss ba 'yan? Kung oo, sige hindi na ako galit hehe." Aaaa, ang cute bakit gano'n? My smile grew wider as I read her reply. Simpleng usap lang sa text sobrang kilig na kilig na ako. And in front of my staff nonetheless.
I took the dog in my arms and my staff laughed as I spun around, talking to the dog as if I was talking to a baby. "Oh, dito ka lang 'wag ka malikot ha. We'll send a video to someone."
"Yieee, kay Sen. Risa ba 'yan, Pres?" One of my staff teased. Collectively naman silang nag-'yieee'. I can't help but feel my heart flutter kasi they're very supportive of Risa and I. Kahit pa mas madalas pa nila akong asarin kaysa suportahan.
I laughed and put my phone on video. "Hey, say sorry to Risa. Minarcos mo ang outfit niya."
Tawang-tawa 'yung staff ko sa sinabi ko. Kung ano-ano kasi tinuturo nila sa'kin kaya ayan, hindi ko na rin maiwasang magamit.
"Naiinis na ako sa'yo :)" Risa replied to my message. I was about to type my reply nang sakto dumating na si Bryce.
"Ma'am, naalala mo po si Sen. Risa dyan sa pug 'no?" He asked, placing the book on my desk.
"Pa'no mo alam?"
Instead of answering my question, he started singing na eventually namang sinabayan ng iba. "Wag kang mag-alala, 'di ko ipipilit sa'yo. Kahit na lilipad, ang isip ko'y torete sa'yo."
"Ewan ko sa inyong lahat." I said laughing and reminded them na may meeting na kami. I set the book aside for now and we started the meeting.
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Hapon na saka lang ako nakahanap ng time para asikasuhin 'yung regalo ko kay Risa. Hinanap ko agad 'yung page where the quote that struck me the most was written. I highlighted it and wrote on the side, "This pretty much sums up how I feel about you. -L"
I bookmarked the page using a pink page marker then proceeded to bring out a purple envelope. Instead of a small paper like I usually write my notes for her in, I brought out stationary paper. Then I started to pour my heart out in that piece.
To give Risa that personal letter, that love letter, was to expose my soul to her. It's to not hold back on telling her how I feel but also not to say too much that I end up shattering everything I hoped to have.
I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable, if I ever did. And I told her that I hoped she kept reading because it took me so long to gain the courage to write about how I feel.
I'm glad to live in the same universe as you and to exist at the same time that you are because I get to witness the ethereal person that is you.
I wrote about how much I admired her as a person because of her beauty, both inside and out. You're a strong person, Risa, you've always been.
Like her, I started to believe that nothing happens by accident anymore. Sinulat ko kung paano ko hindi inasahang mahuhulog ako sakanya, or na mahuhulog ako for anyone at all. But here I was, writing down how I felt for her.
My fingers trembled and I became emotional as I wrote the last part of it. "Take the risk. You know Jesse would want you to take the risk," rang Kiko's voice in my head.
Ni hindi ko na inisip kung tama pa ba 'yung sinusulat ko. It was as if my fingers moved on their own, guided by the overwhelming feeling in my heart and the impatient desire of my soul to finally be with her.
In another life, my husband would be alive and so would yours, and we'd end up living the happy and contented lives we were always meant to have with them. But in this life, I hope you choose to cherish the rest of it with me. In this life, I think my soul had always been yearning to be with yours.
I greeted her a happy birthday and ended with two simple words I've always wanted to tell her: Mahal kita.
Nakita ko 'yung Instagram story ni Issa and I knew they were in Glorietta kaya niyaya ko 'yung staff ko na pumunta do'n. Ako na sana 'yung mag-aabot ng regalo kay Risa today so I can tell her how I felt personally pero pagkakita ko sa kanila, I panicked.
The cool, calm, and composed person that I was yesterday and the days before that was gone kasi this was the real thing now. I finally laid all my cards out. And I knew there was no turning back pero kinakabahan ako. Sobrang kinakabahan ako.
So I thought maybe, hindi pa dapat ngayon. Not at this time. Maybe later, but not now.
I instructed Bryce na iabot kay Kiko 'yung gift ko. "Kapag tinanong niya po kung sinong nagpapabigay, sasabihin ko po ba na ikaw?"
"Oo, sige. Pero sabihin mo na 'wag sabihin kay Risa that it came from me."
Bryce nodded and left. From afar, I saw Kiko accept the gift and with a knowing look on his face, he smiled.
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It was half past 9 in the evening when I decided to leave the palace grounds. Nakapantulog na ako kasi it was somehow a spur of the moment decision. Either it's because I can't wait until the sun rises before I see her or dahil lang gusto ko na kaagad malaman 'yung reaksyon niya sa regalo ko.
Kinuha ko 'yung kotse and drove to the nearest store which I know sold Risa's favorite cake flavor. Kaso wala kaya I think I went to 5 different stores bago ako nakakita. I bought wine, pinili ko talaga kung alin dito 'yung alam kong pinakagusto niya, and a few snacks too.
I arrived around 10 someplace near there house. I didn't park directly outside kasi that would've looked stalker-ish and medyo maaga pa naman.
The whole drive there, nireready ko lang 'yung sarili ko sa pwedeng bumungad sa'kin. With the words I wrote on that love letter and she's probably already saw the kiss marks on the back of the notes, hindi na malabong nagets niya kung galing kanino ba lahat ng 'yun.
Am I ready for the worst possible outcome? No. And I don't think I'll ever be kaya itutuloy ko na lang kasi if not now, then when, right?
Bababa na sana ako pero ito na naman tayo. That nervous feeling in my chest took over the rest of my body and I lightly bumped my head on the steering wheel and gripped it tightly.
Hindi ko naiintindihan kung anong pumipigil sa akin.
I looked up, breathing sharply, then asked myself the question that's been flooding my mind since I got here.
Akala ko ba susugal ka?
