Take me away

Pain

We are laying in our self build bed while it's completely dark outside. I don't know the time but it definitely is in the middle of the night. My head is laying on Joes chest and I lay my legs over his. He holds me close to his body and our bodies exchange at least a bit of warmth. I feel better. Ever since our kiss that we shared that day, I feel better. I waited so long for that kiss. Just the way he holds me in this moment is enough to make me feel good. I don't know if he is asleep but I just assume that he isn't.

"Joe?" I whisper. He moves his head down a bit and his chin touches my head. I don't know if he wants to kiss me but he doesn't dare to.

"Yeah?" He replies.

"When you told me about your feelings, you said that you are in a troubling time right now. Do you want to talk about that?" I ask since I always wonder what he meant with that. I don't know if it's appropriate for me to ask him but since we kissed each other I feel like we are close enough. He doesn't answer for a while and I already give up. Seems like he doesn't want to talk about it.

"It's because of my girlfriend." He answers after minutes of silence.

"You have a girlfriend?" I panic for a moment. He has a girlfriend? Didn't he say that he doesn't have one? Is he cheating on her with me?

"No not anymore." He says and I calm down a bit. At least he isn't cheating. He sounds rather sad while saying this.

"Did you break up?"

"No." He shortly says.

"What happed then?" I feel like I should stop with my questions because he clearly doesn't want to talk about her.

"She got sick." He says and I'm surprised my his answer. I already have a feeling where this is going.

"What kind of sick?"

"Very sick, too sick." His voice is breaking a bit at the end. I lay my hand on his chest and stroke over his chest, trying to make him feel better.

"What is her name?" I try not to ask about the illness anymore.

"Meike." He shortly answers again.

"She almost looked like you." He adds after a while and now I raise my head. It was dark but I go to his face so close that I can see his eyes. I put my hand at his cheek.

"I'm sorry for asking about her. You don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to." I tell him to take his worries.

"I never told anyone this much about her. It is hard enough for me to say her name but with you it's different. I really like you and I feel like this is a part of me so you deserve to know." He whispers and hold my hand.

"You don't think it's to early to tell me that?"

"No, I kissed you and I told you other things already so I can tell you this." He says and I lay my head on his chest again.

"Okay." I mumble and wait for him to start speaking. It took him a bit of time until he starts.

"So I met her when I was 22. We worked for something together at university and I liked her from the beginning. We become close friends and kept it that way for 2 years. I knew that I had romantic feelings for her all along but I always thought she saw me just as her best friend. It took me a long time to tell her but then she told me that she felt the same and we became a couple. We were together for 8 years and at our 7 year anniversary I asked her to marry me. She said yes. From this moment it started to get worse. She felt a pain in her chest one day and we thought it was a one time thing but it happened again a bit later and I told her to go to the hospital. We arrived there and they made a few scans. I still remember how we sat there and I hold her hand and then the doctor came into the room. His face already looked like he didn't had good news. She had breast cancer." He pauses after that. I knew it. I had a feeling like that all the time. I feel so bad for him because I hear how much he loved her. I'm not even jealous about that. I want to say anything but I don't find words.

"She had a bunch of chemotherapy and surgeries. She even had to remove one of her breasts. It was really hard to see her like this every day but I never left her for one second. She even told me to leave her and don't put myself through all of that but I couldn't do that. She fought so hard and never gave up. She fought until the end but she couldn't win this fight. I will never forget the moment when I felt how her hand let go from mine." He stops again. His voice is sounding so painful and I'm sure he has tears in his eyes. I almost have tears in my eyes.

"I'm so sorry about that Joe. I didn't know that. I should have never lied to you from the beginning." I feel so bad for him now.

"You didn't know it. Sometimes when I'm with you, I feel like I'm with her. You look the almost the same and your voices sound similar."

"Is that good?" I'm not sure. Maybe he feels pushed back into his past every time when he sees me and gets reminded of his dead girlfriend.

"It is good. You are the first woman that I allowed myself to kiss since she died. I always thought I would cheat on her."

"How long ago was this?" I ask. I don't know if that is really important.

"A bit over a year now." He says with a quiet voice.

"I'm sure she wants you to be happy." I say. Is it right to assume that?

"She surely does. Maybe she is watching us. She would have liked you." He wraps his arms around me more tightly and I feel like this was really important for him to share with me.