Between the lines

I'm not weak

It had rained for days and Tom started to get bored. He had to share the room with Zhu Ran. He didn't know if Hua Qiangu wanted to punish them or if she wanted to help them get along with each other. He was used to sharing a room with others. Though, he wasn't used to sharing a room with people who dared to put questions when he warned them not to say another word. Zhu Ran wasn't one of his colleagues. He didn't respect him either. Sometimes, he wondered if Zhu Ran actually respected their queen. It was difficult to answer that question as he didn't know his own feelings towards her.

There was something inside him that dragged him toward her. Everything was new for him. All the books he'd read. All the spells he'd learned. Nothing helped him understand this culture. As he didn't want to make a fool of himself by asking Zhu Ran he looked for different excuses to visit Hua Qiangu and debate the things he'd learned over the day.

Hu Qiangu started to enjoy Tom's daily visits. The boy gave his best to prepare breakfast for her every morning. She also noticed Tom's relationship with Zhu Ran started to get better. They were both ambitious people. None would want to be looked down on. They spent a lot of time arguing about ideas and traditions. Zhu Ran had been one of the best disciples of Chang Liu so his knowledge was very vast. Yet Tom was giving his best to equal him. She still felt miserable, but in the middle of all that darkness and desperation, she started to see a feeble light.

                                                                  *

"Tom," Hua Qiangu called as she noticed him wandering in the hall.

"Your Highness." He bowed in front of her. He didn't know much about how to treat a royalty, less of all an Asian royalty. He was aware from the first day that the European customs didn't apply there, but she didn't seem to be offended by it. "I was having a short walk. I don't want to bother you."

She was dressed in a lovely red nightgown. Tom knew it was quite inappropriate to see the sovereign like that. He'd always thought her beautiful, but it was some type of dead beauty, unnatural, cold, like a perfect marble statue. That night, though, with less make-up and her hair left loose on her back, she seemed alive and fragile.

"Please, stay. Tom, do you enjoy the palace? Is there something you wish to have here?" Hua Qiangu asked.

"I'm not used to this style, but... the honor of your company makes up for everything this place may lack."

"Do not try to flatter me. It won't work. I'm bored and this place seemed so cold and inhospitable. I want to redecorate it. And I'm going to need your help. I was also thinking about having a trip to Europe. I'm a bit curious about your culture. You've learned a lot about mine. I should learn some things about yours. What do you think?"

"I don't have anything better to do, Your Majesty."

Hua Qiagu smiled kindly. One of the very few smiles he'd ever seen on her face.

"Tom," She continued, "Are you still angry with those who bullied you? Could you let go of that hatred?" Much as he tried to keep his posture, he couldn't help breaking eye contact. "I understand." She said calmly. "Tom, do you really think that if you were to have the power to take revenge on all of them if no one could ever defeat you, you would be happy? Do you think I am happy?"

"You're different. You're...." he stopped and thought carefully for the right word, "too kind for them. I'm not that way."

"Nevertheless, it won't make you feel happy. This is going to destroy you. It will consume you. The unhappier you'd be, the more obsessed you're going to become of finding someone to blame. They don't care for you, but I do. And you should learn to love you, too. You don't need to be a mighty wizard to be happy with the way you are. And believe me, Tom, up there it's plenty of desolation and loneliness. Do not end like me. Do not become a monster."

"But you're not a monster." He cried. "They are wrong about you. You're..."

"What am I, Tom? What do you think I am? Too kind? Weak? Stupid?"

"I don't know. I can't understand you. I can't understand how someone with such power like you, would rather be harmed than take revenge."

"Do you think I'm weak?" He didn't know what to say. If there were someone else who'd asked he would have certainly said she was weak, but he couldn't do that in front of her. "You said you can't let go of your hatred. So, Tom, who is the weaker of the two of us?" She waited for a while before continuing. "You don't need to answer. Take it as a challenge. Prove me wrong. Good night, Tom."

"Why don't you let go of that Bai Zihua? Yes, I can't let go of my hatred, but you can't let go of your attachment to him either. I do love myself. You are the one who doesn't love yourself. If you did, you would notice he doesn't deserve you. I and Zhu Ran have done everything possible to make you smile. Literally everything. I even have to talk with an annoying old Muggle for hours in order to buy that bloody octopus. I thought I was going to die of boredom. And you still keep crying for that idiot. And you call me weak. You, the person who was decided to put an end to her life because she couldn't deal with being rejected." He knew he'd exaggerated, but she'd called him weak and he needed to prove her wrong.

"Bai Zihua is in the past. And he wasn't the only reason why I wanted to end my life. I wanted to put an end to that bloodshed. As long as the great desolation energy exists in the world, people will keep fighting for it. With my death, this energy will disappear forever."

"People will fight whether there is this energy or not. They will find something else to fight for. Your death won't make them better. But your life can. For those like me who need a place where to feel accepted. For those like you who needed to be reminded they are not monsters. For everyone, you feel they need your help."

"Will you help me?"

"Do I have a choice? As long as, I won't have to prepare the meal any longer."

"I've thought you like that."

"Yeah. Fighting with Zhu Ran was what I've always dreamt to do."

"I'm going to miss those meals." She admitted.

"Don't worry. I'll bet he won't keep his promise." Zhu Ran intervened. He'd listened to their conversation for a while, but he decided not to interrupt them."

"Put a sock in it, Zhu Ran." Tom addressed him angrily and he headed to his room.

"The boy is right. Your death won't make things better." Zhu Ran uttered.

"Do you agree with his idea, don't you? And you're going to help me, won't you?"

"Do not ask me what was in my head the day the snorting beast brought you to me?"

"Good night, Zhu Ran. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for you. Remember. At the first hour tomorrow, I want you two to be ready for the journey."

She didn't wait for his answer. She heard him mumble something but she didn't care much about it. She turned around and headed to her chambers, less miserable than she'd felt before.