Desiderium

<Tommyinnit Fell From A High Place>

       Tommy sat on top of the tall pillar he had built, the wind ruffled his golden hair and dried his tears as he looked up at the clouds. It was calming, it was easier to simply sit here and exist rather than think about...what was it that he was trying to avoid again?... After a what felt like an eternity of simply sitting there, he spared a glance at the ground. He was reminded quickly why he had taken to cloud gazing. The blackened remains of Logstedshire lay beneath him, serving as a harsh reminder of what had happened a mere half hour ago.

       Tears threatened to spill out again as memories from earlier started to resurface. The tang of gunpowder hanging thickly in the air. The ash he inhaled, making his lungs burn in protest. The overwhelming fear that seemed to be the only thing his brain was capable of processing. He looked at his hands, littered in small scrapes. He had blackened ash clinging to him like a second skin. He hugged himself, a single thought of why?... ringing in his had.

"Why would you hide this!? I thought we were friends Tommy!"

A shove, pain, fear, the ominous sizzle of a lit fuse.

An Explosion.

"I'm sorry Dream! I'm- I'm sorry! It will never happen again! Please- no! NO DREAM PLEASE DON'T!"

"You lied to me Tommy. Friends don't keep secrets... We are friends...right Tommy?"

"Y-yes! We're friends! Please- Please don't do this-"

"Tommy, I have to do this, you lied to me. You lied to your friend. Until you prove to me that you can be better friend... you're not allowed in the Nether, and nobody can visit you."

"..O-Okay Dream..."

"And you're starting over. You hid things from me Tommy. So you can't keep Logstedshire."

Dream lit the flint and steel

"WAIT- NO NO- PLEASE DREAM! I'M SORRY! I'M-"

and dropped it into the explosives.

      Tommy curled in on himself and looked away from his home's remains. Why would Dream do this to him?...Tommy sighed, pulling his knees to his chest to shield himself from the cold winds that no longer helped to comfort him. He should never have went behind Dream's back... He lied to the one person that even bothered to visit him during exile. Tommy was a terrible friend.

But so is Dream. His mind supplied.

     No. Dream may have destroyed Logstedshire, but he was the only one who was there for Tommy though his entire exile. Tommy squeezed his eyes shut and tried to push the thought away. Dream was never there for you Tommy. He was here to keep you under control. "No...no. Dream is my friend." Tommy whispered hoarsely. He's not. "He is."

He doesn't care about you. Just like every other 'friend' you've had.

"It's different this time..."

Stop lying to yourself! He doesn't give a shit about you! You're alone!

and that will never change.

      Tommy gritted his teeth, pulling at his hair as he argued with himself. "SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT!? YOU THINK I NEVER NOTICED NOBODY GIVES A SHIT!?" He let out a sob, the tears he was holding back finally spilling over. "I've known for a long time. Sometimes it's just easier to pretend. To hold on to that last bit of hope..." He trailed off, knowing he probably sounded crazy sitting there, talking to himself. But he didn't need anyone to say it, he knew already. It had been made clear many times.

Nobody cared about him.

Hell, most of the people on the server hated him. And Tommy couldn't blame them.

He hates himself too.

     He pulled his compass from his pocket, running his finger over the cracked glass. He remembered the hurt he had felt when Dream told him Tubbo had burnt Tommy's compass. The way the betrayal he felt settled in his chest, ready to rot him from the inside out. He flipped the compass over, looking at the words engraved into it. 'Your Tubbo' But Tubbo wasn't Tommy's. Not anymore. Tommy's Tubbo had died the moment he exiled Tommy... Tears ran down Tommy's face and he smiled softly, gently putting the compass back around his neck. He took one last look at his home's remains. A sad smile gracing his face. Tommy leaned back.

Tommy was flying.

Tommy was falling.

Tommy was gone.

<Tommyinnit fell from a high place>