Sunshine (Student/Teacher Romance) 18+

33

Abel

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I'd made different choices.

If I chose to run with the freelance idea I had when I was eighteen, instead of sticking with college. If I further explored theater, instead of striving toward an English degree.

If I waited a little longer to get serious with Shyla instead of rushing into it because it felt good.

It felt so good.

Sometimes too good.

And when it felt bad, it was fucking terrible.

But I went with it anyway.

Because she claimed she wanted it and because I was so head over heels I'd have done whatever she asked of me.

Anything she asked of me.

Well, I tried to.

But even if I had done anything different, I wonder if it was always going to turn out this way, anyway.

Regardless of what choices I made, big or small, if it all lead me right here.

Right in this very moment.

My knuckles tap the wall and I pop my head in the open doorway without consent to enter. "Hey sis."

Knowing her and the state she's in, I could have knocked forever and never got even a peep allowing me inside.

Hailey slowly looks away from her computer screen and when she realizes it's me, with flowers and a pitiful smile just for her, she pulls her glasses from her face and spins around to face me. "Flowers?"

"Yeah I...heard you—"

"Fucking Tyson." She pushes her back flat against her seat and huffs out a slight, humorless laugh.

"He just said you were having a bad day, I don't know details."

"You're a bad liar, Abel." She smirks. "That's one thing about you. You're always gonna give it away."

"That's what the flowers are for." I jut out a fist full of yellow roses and she accepts them with a tight smile.

I know she likes them, somewhere deep in the pit of her tootsie pop heart.

"Thank you..."

I sit on the loveseat, sighing out a tired breath as she lays the flowers in her lap, gently feeling the petals with two fingertips.

"It just sucks, you know?" She huffs, eyes focused on the bouquet. "You have your mind set on something, something you always planned out in your head for as long as you can remember, and then the time comes for it to finally happen and then...you find out it never can. That the plan was never a plan, just a stupid fucking dream...And what do you do then?"

"It still can be the plan, Hailey."

"IVF isn't just like a foolproof for sure thing..."

"Okay, your'e right. It's not. There are risks, there are possibilities, but you have to ask yourself if the risk is worth the reward."

"It is...but I'm scared."

Her words hit me deep in my core.

Seeing my sister torn up over something so sensitive when she was always the strong one between the two of us, just gets to me in more ways than one.

"I'm scared to get my hopes up. I really want this. And...I don't want to disappoint Ty."

"You'd never disappoint Ty." I tilt my head at her. "Ty will probably always disappoint you, but you literally can't."

She laughs and I catch the back of her hand quickly wiping her cheek.

"He loves you, with or without kids, and just wants you to be happy."

She drops her eyes from mine and her faint smile vanishes. "How was it for you...when you and Shyla were trying?"

There it is.

I felt the question coming on, I hoped it wouldn't because it triggered my anxiety. It also almost triggered my gag reflex—just the mention of her after the fucked up day I had.

"How was it..." I mutter, stretching my legs out in front of me.

It was great at first.

It was fun, it was exciting. It felt like I was right where I was always meant to be.

It seemed crazy at first. We were young, but we were in love. That was all that mattered.

I knew I always wanted to be a dad, so I went along with it.

And I kept going along with it.

Because it wasn't like all of our friends who were trying and seemed to get the deed done on the first try or the third, or even the tenth.

Negative pregnancy tests quickly turned into negative ovulation tests. To her pushing me off of her so that she could lay with her legs up on the headboard, to her filling my head with old wives tales and natural remedies.

The excitement waned quickly. The fights began.

It became forced and mechanical, and after a while, it wasn't even what I wanted anymore.

"It was...hard. I felt like a failure," I tell her. "I felt like I wasn't doing enough for her. It was that one thing she wanted more than anything else and...I just couldn't give it to her."

"What if it's just something that runs in the family, Abel?"

"I don't know." I shrug, my foot tapping. "Maybe. But you can't let that stop you if you still have options. And don't be like me, don't ruin your relationship focusing on the negatives. Thinking you're disappointing anyone, because you're not. Tyson's here for you, I'm here for you. You got this, Hailey."

"Thanks Abel."

She sounds defeated, but smiles just for me.

I know my sister. It's a fresh wound, but she'll think about what I said and she'll make it happen. She always does.

"Thank you for coming to talk to me," she adds. "Even though Tyson's a little shit and can't keep his mouth shut."

"He was worried about you. I'm glad he told me."

She sort of glares at me, but it's sweet. "Enough about me. How's the high school experience going for you?"

"Like shit." I laugh. "Today I got roped into chaperoning the homecoming dance—"

"Wow, look at you!" She teases.

"And fucking Shyla is the new school nurse."

"What the hell?"

"Yeah, that's what I've been saying."

"Well, are you talking again? Thinking about getting back together...maybe?"

I can hear the hopefulness in her tone.

Not hope that I'll say yes, but hope that I'll say no.

"No." I run my fingers through my hair and I'm reminded of that ache again. "I'd never."

"Then why does that bother you?"

"Because...I'm trying to reinvent myself, and as long as she's around..." I sigh, and say simply, "Old habits die hard."