tw: heavy themes of anorexia, mentions of disordered eating habits, self harm, suicidal thoughts. please do not proceed to read if these trigger you in any way
"do you understand how hard it is to sit here and watch you just continuously lose weigh...
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jiung has always been a perfectionist. if they say that the stars are the limit, then jiung will build himself a rocket and search space until he finds something a billion times shinier and more beautiful than the stars.
while some say that being a perfectionist is a good thing, that you'll easily land yourself the top grades or a promotion because your work will be so perfect, to jiung being a perfectionist has also made his life a living hell.
of course his need for perfection is a bonus when it comes to getting work done, but, when it comes to himself, he's got such high standards that it's began to affect him negatively.
"you debut soon," his mum says to him while he stares out of the window of the car, eyes fixed on the raindrops that cascade down the surface. "you must be excited."
jiung offers a hum in response while his eyes remain on the droplets of rain as they travel down the window.
he's always wanted to be a kpop idol. ever since he was young that's been his dream and he would chase it till the world's end if he had to. but he can't deny the heavy weight dragging him down that he's felt lately.
if he isn't conscious about his voice, then he's conscious about the way that he looks.
these days more than usual he's been a hyper critic of himself. every time that he looks in the mirror it's as if he's holding a magnifying glass and noticing every micro flaw within his appearance. sometimes he even finds himself making comparisons.
'intak is slimmer...'
'keeho has a bigger thigh gap...'
'theo has a more defined jawline...'
it's not necessarily that he hates the way that he looks but more that he hates the way that everyone else seems to be better than him.
"yeah..." he lies with a smile.
although it isn't a full lie, he is excited to debut - it's a dream he's been chasing his whole life and he won't let it slip through his fingers now that it's right in front of him, he isn't as excited as before.
it all boils down to his current perception of himself. he feels like he isn't enough and that the others that he's set to debut with are going to outshine him.
in a way, he feels like he's failed as an idol before he's even gotten the chance to shine. that everyone will take one look at him and then at his fellow members and laugh.
