Humorous Nonsense XII

Diablo Tumblweed

"Dallas, darling!" MIlLiE screams, desperately trying to find her bisexual camera man in the huge mansion. She teleports into every room before finally finding him chilling with Robbie in the kitchen.

"What's up?" Dallas asks, popping another grape into his mouth. MIlLiE stomps over and grabs him by his arm before teleporting them to the library. "What the hell?"

MIlLiE spins around, "Grab your damn camera because I have a story to tell."

Dallas cocks an eyebrow, but follows her instructions. "You suddenly have a story to tell? What got your mind working and wanting to tell a story?"

"You know how you asked about the fountain with the statue out back?" Dallas nods. "Well, I want to tell the story of who the statue is and how great he was."

"Didn't you say it was some powerful god or something similar to that?" He asks, turning on the camera. "I tried to keep up, but you started crying and it was hard to understand you."

She straightens her sweater and sits down in her throne, Princess suddenly appearing and coming to sit beside her. "Yes. He was an inspiration, a warrior, and a hero. I had one of my friends write up the story for me, so I apologize if I begin to read and it's absolute trash."

Dallas laughs a little and nods, shooting her a thumbs up to let her know that she can continue. She clears her throat and plucks the paper from her pants pocket. She unfolds it and begins to read.

"Once upon a time, there lived an alpaca—no, a barracuda— wait a unicorn—" MIlLiE looks at Dallas. "Who the fuck wrote this shit? Oh right, neither of us know. I cant read this shit though—" She looks back down at the script.

"Once upon a time, there lived a lemur and that lemur was the most powerful living, breathing thing to ever walk the entire universe. I'm talking Earth, Neptune, The Milky Way, and even Pluto. I don't give a fuck if it doesn't exist, because in my world, nothing is impossible. Pluto exist, so get over it."

"Anyway, this lemur was so powerful that no one could even look at him. They would simply die. And no, this lemur is not King Julian. This lemur is a billion times more powerful than King Julian will ever be. The lemur's name was Diablo Tumbleweed the X (tenth). Yes, you heard it correctly ladies and gentlemen and gays, Diablo Tumbleweed the X (tenth)."

"He lived where Rainbow Row in North Carolina now stands. That is also where he died a heroic death (I will get to that soon), and that's why it's called Rainbow Row and all the houses together make a rainbow. He was the biggest supporter of the gays and he would smite every homophobe who dared to speak bad against them with a fiery rainbow."

"He was born on Daulphin Island in Mobile, Alabama on Friday the 13th. So about 200 years ago on this day. Anyway, the island is where he developed his survival skills and learned karate which helped him to eliminate idiots— I mean enemies. He also became a skilled swimmer and used sharks as teleportation from the island to land. They were also sometimes used as body guards."

"Though he was born in Alabama, he was raised by seagulls and pigeons in Florida. Yes, he was raised by Florida birds who wore American flag capes around their necks and bandannas on their heads. Some didn't get it though, and mistook bananas for bandannas, so some wore banana hats. I personally think the banana hats are cooler, but whatever-."

"By the age of ten, Diablo was the most skilled living thing in the entire world. No one could make him bleed. Not even the earth could make him bleed. The only thing in the entire world that could make him bleed was a fork, because he struggled to hold them and sometimes he accidentally stabbed himself. Hes great with knives though and everyone should be afraid when he has one."

"Anyway, the birds who raised him were beginning to see his true powers, so they began to worship him and bow before him, for they knew he was their savior. The ones who did not bow and instead challenged him would die a violent death: getting cooked over a fire. Know that Diablo was not a violent creature, and he only did good for his people."

"Diablo was known amongst many as a kind, gentle, brilliant, and pure-hearted creature. He was loved by millions and did many great things in the years he was alive. He stopped cannibalism, he somehow managed to bring back dinosaurs, he discovered the United Kingdom, he helped people, he traveled the entire world, he he raised the pride flag, and did so many more amazing things. He invented flight, the lightbulb, phones, cars, trains, desserts, tea, schools, poetry, music, buildings, and about anything you can think of. He was also a very talented artist, singer, doctor, musician, hunter, actor, politician, dancer, writer, acrobatic, and everything you can think of. I'm telling you, there was nothing this lemur couldn't do. He was astonishing. Everyone wanted to be like him."

"The story takes a dark turn though." MIlLiE picks up Princess and wipes her tears with the kitten before setting the cat down. "Soon, word of Diablo's power got out to millions of creatures and people and the mightiest of the mighty sought Diablo out to kill him and take his power. None ever succeeded. No one could kill the god. Every way was attempted, but none would work. But soon rumor began to spread about Diablo's weakness...Forks."

"Diablo became terrified when he learned that some had discovered his weakness and he began to work with the fork every day in an attempt to master it and defeat his enemies with the very thing that could destroy him. He worked day and night to master this skill, but just before he could, disaster struck."

"On June 22, 2004, the morning I was born, Diablo was on a business trip to North Caroline when Madam Belladonna appeared with a silver fork. Diablo was so surprised and caught off guard that he dropped his fork. Madam Belladonna then attacked him, but he was too strong and he stabbed her with her own fork. But then she stabbed him with his own fork. The two died together and his spirit was set free into this world."

"Some say he died the exact moment I was born, and that his spirit entered my tiny child body." MIlLiE looks up at the camera. "I like the theory, but the only problem I have is that I fight well with a fork. Diablo couldn't do that, so how did his spirit enter me if I'm talented with a fork."

Dallas hums. "You may not like this theory, but didn't Madam Belladonna and Diablo die at the same time?"

MIlLiE goes very quiet. "Oh my fucking fuck you're right...." She turns to stare out the window. "I need to be alone." She vanishes, leaving Dallas and Princess alone.

He smiles at the kitten. "Your mother is crazy, but I love her."

"I will drink your blood while you sleep."

Dallas turns white and stares at the kitten with horror filled eyes. "Did-did you just fucking talk? No— did you just threaten me?"

Princess says nothing, and continues to sit still and look pretty. Dallas flips the camera around and stares into it, absolutely terrified. "Did y'all see that? That fucking kitten just threatened me! That kitten—"

He turns around and gasp, going rigid when he sees that Princess is suddenly gone. "Oh fuck. I'm dead."

Suddenly the camera goes black and the only sound that can be heard is Dallas screaming and running up the stairs to find MIlLiE.

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Oh my goodness, not me writing for the first time in forever- HELLO. Erm, I don't know what else to say- GOODBYE- *awkward smile and wave*