high school hangover

stuck

stuck (5-11-22)
it is the worst feeling in the world to know
everything and nothing that is causing this ache to ooze and churn from the pit of my stomach and the root of my chest.

i walk around my own home like a ghost,
searching for rest for a soul that hasn't even lived a quarter of its life yet

i can't stand this feeling of not being able to stomach anything.

restlessness is the word,
a word that sounds like nails on a chalkboard
as it underlines and strikes through every fiber of my supposed living
but really i'm not living at all.

can this really be it?
monotony defines me
my screen time is up by 75 percent.
i can't find my place and the scrolling only distracts.
i twiddle my thumbs in my free time
and hobbies sound pointless to me.

the emptiness at the bottom do my heart whispers:
there's something more.
i don't know if i'll ever find out what.
all i know is the nagging and tugging at my sanity is becoming too much to bare;
i can't enjoy the present
or the thought of the future
or the thought of the past.
i am stuck not between a rock and a hard place but beneath my bed covers.

if i ever get out of here,
i'll let you know how i did it.