Then everything was grey, now it's just static

Chapter 2

Carlos woke up first.

Since that fateful night with Sadie, TK hadn't been himself. Until that day , TK was the first to wake up in the morning, always saying that Carlos fell into a coma at night and wasn't aware of anything. He said that only the smell of TK's freshly brewed coffee and hot toast was able to wake him up. For someone who wasn't much of a cook, being able to prepare breakfast for Carlos and seeing him smile when the table was ready was what made TK happiest in the morning.

But since they had returned home from the hospital, TK had spent as much time sleeping as he could. The doctors had said they were both fine, the opiates Sadie had given them would keep them groggy for a day at most, then it would all pass.

And it did pass. The feeling of dizziness, even that first moment when Carlos felt like taking something else, passed quickly. A day later he was fine, with a headache, the bad mood of someone who has seen his boyfriend drugged and taken back to his worst days, and the feeling of not knowing how to help TK.

Two days later, there was still the uncertainty of how to get TK out of the hole he was falling into.

TK was sleeping next to him. He was finally actually sleeping because he had spent much of the night with nightmares, waking up screaming and crying.

Everything was a nightmare for TK. Ever since he had woken up on the floor of the apartment, his head resting on Carlos's leg as he stroked his hair, everything had gone black for the paramedic.

When Carlos woke up on the third day after that night, he couldn't get the image of TK crying in his arms out of his head. He had held on for hours and Carlos had watched his agony, but once everyone left them back in their apartment, alone, TK broke down.

He cried for hours, until it was dark again, he cried hugging Carlos, curled against him; he cried as Carlos forced him to eat, and he cried as he made him laugh to try to make him feel better.

But the next day, when there were no more tears to draw, there was only silence; TK became silent and began to spend as much time as he could sleeping. "I'm on leave, aren't I?" he said when Carlos started suggesting things to do. "You can go back to work, you're not an addict. Sadie drugged you but that's it, it's worn off. No one's afraid you're going to get into anything else."

"TK...."

"I know, it's not fair and I shouldn't say that kind of thing." Carlos knew TK's words by heart because he had repeated them a few times over the past two days. "But a part of me, one that I hate and would do anything to rip out of me, wants to change for you, wants to be clean and wants a fucking dose of oxy to not mean the end of everything."

"It's not the end of anything, my love," Carlos replied, taking TK's face in his hands to look into his eyes, as if that could change anything. "If we have to start all over again..."

"I can't start again, Carlos, don't you understand?" Carlos shook his head.

They had talked about it many times; TK had wanted to be honest with his boyfriend at all times. After all, that was how they had really gotten to know each other, because of the darkness inside him.

But he had never found the right time to tell him how he had started to get his life in order. He had not told him that it had been his mother who had set him on the right path, his mother who had saved his life, his mother to whom he owed everything... His mother who he had now failed.

"I can't do it without her... I couldn't do it without her."

Carlos didn't have to ask who he was referring to.

TK had nightmares about his mother. He would wake up screaming her name and would cry cradled in Carlos's arms. "She looks at me full of sadness, she doesn't say anything to me, she just looks, and she cries too." Then he would go back to sleep, but nightmares would accompany TK all night until exhausted; in the morning he would just sleep.