Then everything was grey, now it's just static

Chapter 7

Carlos had managed to convince him to do yoga. TK had never been very fond of any kind of relaxation exercise because it made him think far too much, and, for much of his life, thinking had brought back bad memories or simply made him see the present for what it was: a huge gray blob that wouldn't move.

But he trusted Carlos more than he trusted himself, and when he had told him it would be a good idea to do some yoga sessions, TK didn't refuse.

He let him do it, let him lead the first session, but after twenty minutes, TK asked to stop. That deep breathing and emptying his mind didn't help at all because then he could only see Sadie back in his house, again pouring that damn substance into his food, and again he blamed himself for not seeing it and not stopping her.

Carlos had asked for a few days off from the police station to be with TK, to help him through the ordeal, and most of all to be there when the day he was waiting for came.

The second yoga session also ended early because TK suffered an anxiety attack and they had to go outside to get some fresh air and forget about everything. During the third, TK locked up, or rather his back locked up when Carlos told him to visualize what was keeping him from going forward.

"Have you heard from my father?" asked TK to Carlos on his fourth day of home therapy. "He usually calls me every day and I haven't heard from him in days."

Carlos put his silverware down on his plate though he had barely eaten anything. He knew this moment was coming, that TK would ask, and although he was prepared to answer, he feared his boyfriend's reaction.

"Your father feels terrible about how he spoke to you the other day."

"He told you? So you've talked to him? Why didn't he say anything to me?"

"I think..." Carlos cleared his throat and stroked the back of TK's hand. "His therapist has told him that he needs to fix his own problems first and then fix things with the others and with you."

"His problems? Wait, is my dad sick? Is there something wrong with him and you haven't told me?"

TK was already getting up from the table when Carlos made him sit back down.

"Tiger, this Sadie thing has affected all of us in different ways." TK nodded—even if he didn't say it, Carlos wasn't taking it well either. "Your dad... Let's just say it brought out a part of himself that he had bottled up. Remember how he treated you the other day, when he yelled at you for no reason?"

TK nodded, of course he remembered, it was one of the reasons he felt so fragile now.

"It's not the first time I've seen those fits of anger of his, but he's had them under control for years, I think since he divorced my mom... Did Sadie's attack put him back there?"

"I think Sadie's attack has brought out things in you and in your father that were forgotten. For you, it was the fear of falling back into drugs, and for your father it was the anger he had managed to bury."

TK pushed aside the plate of food he had barely touched, and walked over to the space he had made in the living room for the yoga classes. He took off his shoes and folded his arms as Carlos looked at him in bewilderment.

"What was that pose that made you open your chest and push the bad thoughts out?"

Carlos walked over to him, not looking away from his boyfriend's green eyes. "Well, the sun salutation helps you to..."

"So what's it like, what does the sun salutation look like?"

Carlos knew him well, though he didn't need to either; TK's gasping breaths were audible from a distance and you could tell he was shaking.