The Couch

The Greatest Failure

Trigger warning: These next two chapters may be a bit rough so I totally understand if you must skip them to protect your peace.

My greatest failure. For some reason, this ended up being harder to write than I thought. It has nothing to do with me creating a long list of things I think I've done wrong in my life. But the simple fact that I didn't know which one held the most weight. Even though my mind kept circling around one in particular. My greatest failure is not loving myself. It's not about my self-esteem, but I have a hard time showing self-compassion. The same compassion and understanding I give others isn't for myself and never has been. When I think back to the mistakes I made in my past, I don't forgive myself for them. When it comes to my addiction and the damage that caused, I don't forgive myself for that either. I hate self-pity, so it was easier to push those mistakes to the side until they slowly crept back into my life and they became harder to ignore. Over the past year, my anxiety has been at an all-time high and I've had terrible thoughts that landed me in a therapist's office. Talking about my feelings is all new to me and realizing how important self-compassion and self-love is to my healing is a new step I'm not sure I'm ready to take.

The therapist placed the paper in her lap and waited until her client seemed ready to talk about what she wrote. Olivia was staring down at her hands until she felt eyes on her.

"How did it feel to write this," Yolanda questioned.

A lump grew in Olivia's throat as a weird wave of emotions surfaced. There were times she cried and she felt like her tears didn't have a reason behind them. They simply fell down her cheeks. Some days more than others lately.

"Take your time," the therapist urged, nodding to a box of tissues sitting next to the couch. "What do you feel like is making you emotional right now?"

"Just a lot of thoughts running through my head at the same time. Kinda feels overwhelming," Olivia admitted, taking a moment to wipe her eyes and catch her breath. "And hearing you actually read the words."

Yolanda leaned forward, offering her undivided attention, "Okay, let's start sorting through those thoughts. Which one pops into your head the most?"

"The night I ended up in the hospital," Olivia began. Most sessions, that night never came up, even when Yolanda brought it up as a talking point. It was the main reason Olivia ended up in her office. Now that she was finally saying it out loud, it was time to begin the hard process of healing from it.

---------

Flashback - Freshman Year

As she had done the last several months, Olivia ignored the heaviness of her eyes and limbs. It was 3AM and she was up researching for an article, hoping this one was interesting enough to make the paper by the deadline. After giving up the Wade article, Olivia was on the other end of Crystal's at times, steep demands. When Olivia spoke with her colleagues about it, they simply said 'that's how this job works. welcome to journalism'.

Everything in her life was hanging on the same tired thread. Her relationship with Spencer, her relationship with everyone else, her sanity. The thread was getting thinner and thinner and bound to break at some point. Olivia was hyper-fixated on finding the next big article to move her up in a career she didn't need to rush. But, it felt that way. She felt like an invisible clock hung over her head every day and that time was ticking away faster than she could blink. Crystal had already been disappointed once, there was only so much disappointment she'd take before she had enough and the next best journalist walked through the doors of the LA Tribune. The article on Coach Garrett was still in the works and with each new detail Olivia found, the more anxious she got. Her relationship with Spencer was hanging in limbo and the distance and tension was becoming greater every day. But she needed this win. She yearned for it. Without it, she'd continue searching for the validation of being a good journalist after her recent failures.