Once

Thirty Nine

Elle came downstairs very slowly and quietly the next morning, pausing halfway down the stairs. She stood for a moment, listening to the sounds of the quiet house - the ticking of the clocks, the hum of the fridge. It was after nine o'clock, so she knew the girls would be at school by now, and her dad and Kaye would have already left for work. She was just satisfying herself that she was on her own.

She breathed a sigh of relief. She could do with some peace after the horrendous night she'd had.

She padded barefoot through to the kitchen and headed straight for the coffee machine.

"Oh? So you're up, then?"

Elle almost jumped out of her skin, just managing to catch her coffee cup before it flew out of her hands and smashed to pieces on the floor.

"Jesus, Kaye. You scared me to death."

Kaye was sitting at the kitchen table, hidden out of sight as Elle had come through from the hall. She was wearing one of the big flouncy kimono-style tops that she thought made her look like some Saint-Tropez millionaire heiress, but actually made her look like some desperate cougar on the prowl round the hotel swimming pool. She was twirling a long coral necklace between her fingers.

"I didn't expect to see you down here so early. Thought you might be sleeping off a hangover."

"I didn't even drink."

Kaye made a disparaging noise; it seemed to say, You won't fool me that easily!

"Sounds like it was a rowdy party last night. I saw on Facebook something about one girl being taken off in an ambulance?"

Elle felt herself go cold. Bianca's serene, eerie-white face came screaming back into her mind.

"Yeah. That's true."

Kaye sucked her breath in through her teeth.

"Oh dear. What happened? A fight or something?"

"They said she just got too drunk. Alcohol poisoning."

"Well, this is what happens, you see? You all need to learn how to look after yourselves if you're going to be drinking like that."

"I told you I didn't drink anything."

There was a short silence. Elle tried to focus on making herself coffee, but all she could hear was Kaye drumming on the table with her long acrylic fingernails.

If only to break the silence Elle said, still staring at the coffee machine:

"Shouldn't you be at work?"

"I told you I had some time off this week. I did wonder if you wanted to go on that shopping trip today?"

Another icy cold spasm of dread went right down Elle's back.

"Sorry, Kaye. I can't."

"But you've finished now, haven't you? I thought you had your last exam yesterday."

"I did. But I'm meeting Jax this morning."

"Bring her along, then."

Elle slammed down her teaspoon just a bit too hard on the counter.

"I'm sorry, Kaye. Really. But I've got plans for today."

She picked up her cup and turned to leave the room. As she did so she stopped dead. There was a look on Kaye's face Elle never remembered seeing there before. It was a look of quiet, fuming contempt.

In the back of her mind Elle realised that she had always disregarded Kaye as nothing but a sort of side inconvenience that occasionally needed to be dealt with. She was like a whiny dog that sometimes needed scolding when she yapped too loudly.

But she saw in that moment that she wasn't looking at a whiny dog. She was a person, with her own thoughts and feelings and opinions. And Elle strongly suspected that her opinion at that moment was pure hate. She had never seen someone look at her with more disdain in all her life.

"You know what, Elle," she said, in a hard cold voice that rang shrilly through the quiet kitchen, "if I've done something to you, you can just tell me."

"For god's sake, you haven't done anything! I'm just busy, that's all."

"Well, you're always busy, Elle. Too busy to spend any time with me, or with your sisters. Or have you forgotten about them?"

Elle's eyes narrowed.

"Don't do that, Kaye. Don't make out like I'm some sort of monster just because I don't want to get trawled round every shop in Elkington so you can dress me up like a doll."

"That's not what this is, Elle, and you know it. You know, I try and I try and I try with you, and it's just never going to be enough, is it?"

"Maybe if you didn't try so hard you wouldn't be such an epic pain in the arse all the time!"

Kaye paled. She hardly seemed to be looking at Elle at all, but right through her. She had this blank thousand-yard stare on her face, and her lips were working furiously over each other as her teeth ground quietly together.

"You know something, Elle? I've always known I'd never be your mother, and I've never tried to be. But I have tried to love you. I have loved you. I've loved you just as much as if you were my own daughter. If you were ever hurt or in pain, I would wish desperately that I could take that pain away from you. That's what it means to be a mother, you know - it's not just about love, it's about sacrifice. I've given everything I could to you, and it's never been difficult for me, you know. I just really hoped one day you might be able to return the favour."

She rose slowly and went out of the room. Elle heard her pick up her handbag in the hall and go out of the front door. A minute later her car started and drove away.

Day 6 of one of the worst weeks of Elle's life, and she was starting it off under the weight of a ten-ton guilt trip. Not exactly how she imagined her first day after high school would begin.

She took one mouthful of her coffee then went upstairs to shower. Kaye would have to wait for now. There were only two more stories to come true, and this time she intended on being there to stop it.