Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
chapter twenty-nine what a year today has been
The time between El's disappearance and now is fuzzy in Alex's head.
She doesn't know how long they are in the classroom before the paramedics find them. Her three companions continue to call for a girl who is no longer there, but Alex remembers just staying here. For her, it's as if time has altogether stopped. As if she's paralyzed by it. She remembers being scooped up by the paramedics when she doesn't move and wheeled out to the back of an ambulance. The paramedics ask her questions, that she doesn't remember answering. The world is moving too fast for her to comprehend. It sounds like her head is underwater again. She doesn't remember how to breathe. The paramedics strap an oxygen mask to her face. She doesn't resist. The blanket that they wrap around her shoulders does nothing to help.
She's in shock. They tell her.
She's just numb. The same numbness she feels when Will is pulled out of the water, except this time it's more consuming. Maybe it's because this time, there is no hope of El being alive. She doesn't even fight the overwhelming feeling of nothing. She's too tired. She just wants to sleep. But the paramedics asked her to keep her eyes open for them. Sleep will not claim her just yet.
The police hover a few yards away. It's clear that they want to ask her about the events that transpired over the course of the past few hours. Alex doesn't know if she'll be able to answer. The paramedics tell them to leave. Red and blue lights flash and bounce across every reflective surface in the parking lot and into her eyes. Sirens wail. Lights flash. People stare. She can't breathe. Alex just wants to shut everything out. Everything is so loud. Everything is so bright. It's too much. She feels everything everywhere all at once. She wants it to stop. She just wants the world to stop, for just once. She wants to catch her breath.
She wants her brother.She needs Steve more than ever now, and he's not there. She needs to know that he's safe. She needs him to tell her that she'll be okay. She needs him to tell her that it's over. She misses her brother. Where is Steve? She can't breathe. Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?
She doesn't know where her friends are either. They fight harder against the paramedics than she does because they still have hope that El is somewhere on the other side of the school. This is what Alex gets for being a realist. The weight of crushing reality on her shoulders. She's already accepted that there is no going backward from here. There are no do-overs. El is dead and there's nothing that they can do about it. Alex does not get to have the mercy of denial. It is straight to acceptance and grief and guilt.
