Saint Palisade's

[ 5.5 ]

JESS   was driving along the highway, trying to fight whatever feeling was sitting at the bottom of her stomach and rising to the top of her throat. "I'm such an idiot." She talked to herself, her voice only slightly cracking. She took a peek at her rearview mirror only to be met with blinding lights. She took a deep breath, refocused on the road ahead of her, and turned her music up. The only thing that wouldn't make her angrier is listening to trap, God be helped if she even looked at her indie playlist. 

She let her foot lay on the gas pedal, often swerving and recreating moves she had learned from her brief stint as an indy racer at the local track. She didn't even know where she was going. After Isaiah's, she found herself sitting in their driveway and debating over whether she should go home and face an empty house or drive around and waste gas. And when she pulled down her mirror to see if her mascara was running, a polaroid of her and Isaiah fell from inside the mirror. 

How could you possibly be jealous of your past self? She tried to recreate the memory of this photo, his arm slung around her shoulder, the both of them smiling straight ahead into Evelynn's camera. She could almost feel his pooka shell necklace rip out some of her then-balayage hair de la junior year. He had somehow managed to catch her from behind and told Evelynn to take their picture. Jess tried not to panic, especially with their parents wine-tasting in the other room, a yearly tradition of theirs.  She thumbed over the sharpie in the white space '<3s me'. What a joke. 

She took an exit, only recognizing the road when she passed landmarks on her way to school. Well, what the hell? It's not like she has anywhere else to go. Although she did need something to quell the rumbling in her stomach. 

She parked after a fight uphill in her manual. The familiar king of hearts neon logo shone in her left side mirror. Was this even a good idea? Jess was already worn out from one guy, now she was potentially going to explain her entire romantic life to another? Her childhood best friend no less?

She sucked it up, opened her door and swung out her legs. It was an October night in New England, and the wind chill was about as low as midterm presidential approval ratings. The inside lights were on and she could track at least one figure that was moving around behind the bar. She pushed forward, making a mental note to start putting gloves in her coat pocket. 

Jess pulled on the handle, fought for a little bit, and turned away to begin her journey back to her car. Guess she didn't need the coffee after all. 

"Jess?"

Jess turned around. Atlas was hanging out of the door with his keys around his wrist.

"Atlas? Oh God I'm so sorry, I know you're working... you were about to leave too... it's fine I'm just gonna go." She tried to explain while hobbling back to her car. She knew it was a bad idea. He was the one person who didn't deserve to be bothered. 

"Jess." Atlas ran over to her car and rested his palm on her door, not letting her get in. Simultaneously, he looked down at her, letting his eyes sweep over her to understand why she was here so late in the first place. "What's wrong?"

This was already embarrassing. She didn't want to have to explain fighting with Isaiah about a relationship that never existed. That she had nowhere to go, no one to talk to because they were all busy with their boyfriends or their own lives. There was absolutely no way she was going to talk to her parents about this either. "No it's nothing, I shouldn't have come." Jess moved her hand to the door handle. Ice cold Steve Austin. But now she couldn't feel her fingers.

Atlas slid his hand down and let it rest on top of hers. "Jess. You're the worst liar ever. Can you just come inside so we can talk without me freezing my balls off?" He pleaded with Jess, searching for some sort of mercy. 

Jess held eye contact for a few seconds. His concern was written on his face, from the furrowed brows to those dark eyes somehow containing the cosmos above them. Without replying, she took Atlas's hand and marched straight for the door.

"There's absolutely no way he wouldn't have known. Your polaroid took the St. Palisade's confessions Instagram account by storm." Atlas was sitting criss-cross applesauce, hovering over the latte set on the wooden table below him.

Jess rolled her eyes. "I'm telling you. He's oblivious." She took a sip of the café affogato Atlas had made for her. 

The Card Café was most definitely cooler at night. The neon made for a great atmosphere. Atlas had put on some ridiculous late-night jazz playlist he had in his Spotify library. The two of them sat across from each other, lounging in comfortable positions. Jess had changed into another sweatshirt. It was Atlas's, actually. The heather gray was embroidered with the logo of some marina company in Connecticut, around where Atlas was born. He changed into his own cream-colored cable-knit sweater. (The only reason he bought it at the thrift store is that he saw Chris Evans wearing it in Knives Out when he went to see it with Ben [he figured it was fashionable]).

"So what happens now? You go on like nothing ever happened?"

Jess hadn't really thought about the fallout. The whole thing was hard enough to process as it was; she didn't want to worry about what Veronica would say to her at school. "I haven't really thought that far ahead. But I guess so. What other choice do we have? I'm not a ridiculously awkward person. I can live with it. It's not even like he rejected me or anything. It was just a tense conversation about our non-relationship. Situationship. Whatever you want to call it."

Atlas pursed his lips. "Right." He picked up his mug before asking his next question. "So if that conversation went differently, would you date him now? Like, after everything with you and him and Cameron and MJ?" He slurped up what was left, burning his tongue. 

Jess watched Atlas. She noticed his eyes getting a bit bigger. Not out of curiosity, but something else. She pushed whatever notion that was aside, and tried to focus on her answer. "I don't know. I always liked Isaiah. I really can't remember a moment in high school when I didn't. But I guess it was some sort of fantasy. I never even imagined a relationship with him. Not once. Didn't imagine us during the bad part either. I was just so focused on him that I didn't think about us."

Atlas wasn't even sure what to say. How do you respond to that? Jess stared down at her cup, not exactly expecting a response, but wanting some comfort. 

"I can't say I'm the most comforting person in the world Jess. But I want you to know that you are strong and smart with or without Isaiah. And it's his loss." Atlas smiles at her, prompting Jess's lips to curl upward with a dusting of pink on the apples of her cheeks. "If you ever need anything to help your mind get off of Isaiah, you can always come here or talk to me. You could pick up a shift or two, considering my manager's ridiculously lenient."

"Thanks, Atlas. It means a lot." 

Jess got up to hug Atlas, wrapping her hands around his back, burying her head into his shoulder, hoping the tears wouldn't leak through his sweater. He wordlessly accepted albeit with a pause of uncertainty,  then patted her hair and kissed the top of her head (a risky move, but fitting affection). 

"And Atlas?"

"Mm?"

Jess moved to face Atlas and look into his eyes. "I'm sorry for not being better to you. I should have talked to you more in high school. Y'know, be there for you. Especially since we were such close friends before..."

"I can never be mad at you, Jess. You know that. We grew up. That's all there is to it." Atlas shrugged while Jess laughed through her tears. He dipped his head down slightly and whispered "But if you ignore me after this, then maybe I will be mad at you." with his eyebrow raised and a  mischievous smile on his lips. 

He ruffled her hair before he finally walked away to take their mugs back to the dishwasher, leaving Jess wondering why she felt empty without his warmth in the small of her back.