Pills and Pain [Completed]

reminiscing

I got down on my knees beside McKenzie with the bloody knife still gripped in my hand.

I stared at her face. It had gone as pale as her nightgown.

McKenzie's fingers twitched and she was blinking rapidly. Her ashen lips were parted as rattly breaths came out. I could tell that she was fighting to stay alive.

I hadn't sliced deep enough to hit the jugular vein all the way; just to nick it. So she would still die from the nick, but at a much slower rate.

I raised the knife loving the panicked look on her face and placed it right under the cut on her neck.

"You know, if I'm being truly honest, Mickey," I whispered. "I don't think I ever really loved you. But you were just already here and I didn't have anyone better. But tonight I realized that all along I had someone better, McKenzie. I had been robbed of true love because of you. I could have had someone better in my life. To share the joys, the pains, the ups, and the downs. I could have had a real wife instead of a crazy bat like you. I don't know how but I convinced myself that I loved you."

I laughed. "Maybe it was just a coping mechanism because I just don't get it. Why did I ever think I loved you of all people? From the very start when I met you at that little grocery store, you had already made my life hell. You pulled a gun on me and claimed that I had been trying to steal your purse. And then because your father had a little bit of an influence being a lawyer and all, you had me sent to a jail cell. Good thing my own father had influence and sued you and your father for false accusation."

I laughed again. That situation was actually pretty funny. She had no idea who she was messing with. After my father found out about the false accusation and wrongful imprisonment he sent the wrath of God on the Keely family. He sued them for all that they had which wasn't enough to say grace over. Then having no choice, Mr. Keely and his brother came crawling on all fours at our feet begging us to reconsider.

My father agreed to do so on one condition.

That McKenzie was given to me as a wife.

It felt like an 1800s betrothal situation but I trusted my father and believed it could be a good set-up for the both of us. Everyone knew the physical abuse allegations that were going against both Mr. Keelys during that time. Women all over the city were filing complaints against the men stating that they had either touched them inappropriately without consent or tried to start something. It was safe to say that McKenzie was abused too. I guess one could say I felt sorry for the girl. No one deserved that kind of life.

It would be good for me because I would have a wife and a possible heir. I was twenty-two at the time and with no wife in my future, my father being who he was, took matters into his own hand and promised that he would all work out for good.

"Son," I remembered him saying at the night of my wedding. "You don't have to like the woman."

I didn't like her. Just because I felt sorry for her didn't mean I had positive feelings. I had always imagined myself marrying someone much younger than me. Not eight years older.

"As long as you can force yourself to love her," he said. "Then that's all that matters. Make Opa proud, hmm?"

That's all I ever did. Make him proud. Because my oldest brother, Kenneth decided to be a prodigal son, I was left to be the Golden son. At first I liked being the one that made dad proud. The one he could count on to keep his legacy alive. But then it no longer became about me. I went to college for him. I got married for him. I kept my demons at bay for him. The demons that wanted to rip out the 'Good boy' exterior right off my skin and proclaim who was boss.

It was about time that I did something for me.

McKenzie made a scratchy sound and I looked down at her. It was evident that she was almost gone. I set the knife on her chest and laid down beside her. Using my left hand, I turned her head around a little bit so that I could watch as Death took her away.

It was a phenomenon to watch the light leaving her eyes. I had never seen someone die before so this was a new experience. As I studied her, I realized that her eyes were actually a hazel color, just with a darker pigment that made them appear brown.

The little flecks of green were beautiful.

Makayla didn't have any green in hers.

I pressed a kiss to her cheek, imagining that it was Makayla's cheek.

"Goodbye, Mickey."

I stayed like that for a long time, my lips against her cheek. Inhaling the scent of lavender from her hair.

I hummed the tune that went 'You are so beautiful to me'. I didn't know where it was from but it was a song McKenzie would always sing when she was in a good mood.

"You are so beautiful to me."

I came up behind her as she was washing the dishes and wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Yes, you are," I whispered in her ear.

"Tristan," she giggled. "I'm washing dishes."

"So?"

"We can't do it right now."

"Who said I was thinking about doing it? What? Can't a man just want to hold his wife without wanting anything more."

McKenzie nodded. "He could. He could. But this is you that we are talking about."

I backed off placing a hand over my heart and acting wounded. "Now that is very offensive, Mrs. Ryder."

She turned around smiling. God, I loved that smile. McKenzie had the straightest teeth I had ever seen in a woman. Her nice teeth were part of what made her attractive.

"You're ogling again," she said.

"Can't help it. When I see a pretty woman, I just have to stare. Or ogle."

"Is that all I am? Just pretty?"

I took her face between my hands. "No. You are wonderful." I pecked her on the forehead.

"You are brilliant," I moved down to her nose.

"And you are beautiful." I kissed her on the lips.

"And I am pregnant."             

Me writing this story: 

Forgive the cringiness.