A Still Day or A Hurricane | Jungkook

Part 23

It was a long trip back to Seoul. An hour of it was spent on a video call with your siblings and Heejin, the little one babbling and reaching her fingers to see if they could go through the phone and touch you.

"Ma! Where Ma?" She squealed.

Your heart melted at all this, especially as she tried to eat the screen because something about your face apparently makes her want to bite you. You knew it's her way of showing affection, and her absence just made you want to cry. You don't ever want to be so far away from her again.

Another hour was spent looking dazedly out the window and engaging with Jin in work talk; the other two were spent with you asleep, your arms around your body for the comfort you badly needed.

Finally reaching Seoul, Jin drops you off your building and hugs you before you leave, and you mumble your thanks before you rush to your apartment, opening the door and running towards the living room where Heejin is seated on Taehyung's lap, loudly hitting her toy xylophone stick on the table as Louis Armstrong plays his trumpet on the TV.

"Hey." Yuri stands from the dining table where she's currently working on a sketch, following you to where you're already lifting your daughter in your arms.

You cradle Heejin, peppering her laughing face with kisses, and she hugs you back, saying Ma once before she starts nibbling on your face.

"Have you guys eaten?" You ask your siblings who are now standing in front of you, laughing as Heejin tries to climb on your back.

"No, we had a late breakfast and we were waiting for you," Taehyung says, informing you that Heejin has almost finished her milk so you arrived right on time.

"Alright. Order anything and I'll just feed her, okay?" You say, walking towards the nursery before they could even respond.

They do as instructed, not saying much as they observe you to be a little uneasy, which is a little more than what they expected you'd be with being away from your daughter for over a day.

You settle in the rocking chair, humming some made-up lullaby as you caress Heejin's puffy cheeks, her eyes glimmering at you as she feeds on your breast.

You talk to her about the trip. Your mom said that helps when you feel upset about something, so you narrate the drive, then the convention, then the bar, leaving behind the details of the man whose heart you broke and in return, has broken your heart in his effort to move on with his life, just as you wanted him to.

It feels selfish, feeling this way. You didn't want him around, not because of him, but also precisely because of him. You didn't want to feel more than what you were starting to over 18 months ago, and you had to walk away from him before things got too confusing, too difficult, too hard for you to manage because everything was about Heejin, and you unfortunately meant what you'd said earlier - you couldn't have distractions.

Much as you knew that Jungkook had been nothing but kind and gracious and incredibly helpful when it came to a pregnant you, he did something else to your heart that it wasn't ready for. He made you feel again, made you want something with someone again, and you just couldn't go there with him.

Later on you'd realize that you were also scared to not be what he needed. Young as he is, you couldn't tie him down to this life that you'd planned, that you settled into, that you wanted. You had so much faith in yourself as a mother, not as a lover, and definitely not as both. You couldn't let the confusion and the insecurity ruin you and Jungkook in the process, not when you didn't feel ready, and not when you weren't sure if he was.

Seeing him makes you think that maybe there was more. Maybe you were scared that he wasn't sure about you. He does dive right into things when he feels like it, he'd said once, and you couldn't shake the idea of Jungkook no longer wanting you.

It's clearer now, as seeing him with someone else who's great, who perhaps wants him as much, who's willing to dive right into things with him, lets you know that perhaps that's another part of it. You cut the cord before you fell in love with him, and thinking about it, this hurts less than if you'd have let him stick around and then pushed him away when it got serious.

You hold Heejin in your arms after you nurse, then change her diapers, before you head to the dining room for your late lunch. You don't talk much about the trip, having Yuri and Taehyung narrate everything that happened since you left yesterday morning instead.

You all spend the rest of the day in the living room, letting Heejin run around and play with her toys. She tires easily, falling asleep as you give her a bath then knocking out midway through breastfeeding. You'd settled with noodles for dinner, talking about the meetings you'll be having this week and the babysitting schedule, with both of them taking turns. Taehyung is on a short break while Yuri has always been flexible with her work hours, and you give them both hugs before you have a long, warm bath and they clean up in the kitchen.

Both of them lay on both ends of your bed. It's something they do when they're both here because it's something they'd gotten used to doing when they were younger. They're not always affectionate, but anytime you need them, they'd be there before you even say anything.

"Do you think she saw Jungkook there? She looked a little off the whole day," Taehyung whispers as he turns to face Yuri across the space in between, waiting for you to finish your bath.

"I messaged Yoongi to ask and he said she did, but she should've expected that, right? I mean, I'm sure she would've wanted to visit the cafe there. Hobi tells her to check it out and she always said she would," Yuri responds. "I wouldn't be surprised if they saw each other there."

"Then why would she look so... sullen? Like, she smiles but you know it's like a sad smile."

"What if he said he's leaving the country for good, like he got a job offer abroad or something?"

"Or what if he has a girlfriend?" Taehyung asks alarmingly, earning him a whimper from his twin sister at the possibility. "What if she realized that she made a huge mistake and maybe hoped he'd still be into her but then, poof, girlfriend. Moved on. Over her."

"What if she–"

"It's the second one," you interject, both of them turning towards you with wide eyes and parted mouths at having been caught gossiping about you like that. "He has a girlfriend. Poof. Moved on, over me," you announce, lying in between them, sighing at the comfort of your bed after a very long weekend. "She's pretty and very nice. Good for him."

The silence hangs over your head. You close your eyes, your jaw clenching as you try to stop the quivering of your lips, in hopes of halting the downfall of tears.

"Can I ask you something?" Taehyung wonders, hoping you won't turn him down.

You hum in response.

"Do you regret letting him walk away?"

You let out the breath you were holding as you waited for his question, and you know that whatever you answer, it wouldn't be enough for you.

"I don't like regretting things, Tae. It defeats the purpose of choosing to stand by the hard decision that I made," you respond, trying to sound as calm as possible. "And how can I regret something that led him to being with someone who makes him happy?" Your voice cracks. "I just regret that I didn't get to tell him that I'm happy for him."

"But are you really?" Yuri whispers.

"For him, yes. For me..." your breath hitches, your lips now giving in. "I, uh..."

"It's okay, ___. We're here. You can let it out," she assures you.

You bring your shaking hand to cover your mouth, and your eyes closing is what finally does it for you, as the tears fall right away. You turn to Taehyung, crashing onto his chest as you finally let yourself fully cry, and his arm immediately wraps around you, holding you close for the comfort you've been needing during all the nights you spent thinking about every choice you've made ever since Jungkook entered your life.

Yuri sighs, wrapping her arms and legs around you from behind, and you're sandwiched between your siblings' warm bodies, hugging you tighter as you start to shake from the tears you hadn't allowed yourself to cry in so long.

"I wish I was happy for me. I really wish I was."