Blood On Her Hands

Chapter 32

Teardrops spilt onto my pillow case.

They were sliding off my cheeks in twos and threes, hot and sticky. The sleeves of my shirt were becoming damp with them. I rested my chin on top of my forearms and stared at the solid wood bed frame in front of me.

It had been a day since I had the fight with Darren and I felt as if I hadn't even begun to start unpacking everything that happened. What had started out as an innocent visit quickly spiraled into the biggest fight we had ever had. There were so many words exchanged that surprised me. I knew that being in a highly emotional state made people say things they didn't mean but yesterday felt like the opposite of that. It seemed like every thought Darren had kept bottled up had come out in the blur of his fury.

It made everything I thought was true about us feel like a game of pretend. If he could keep things like that bottled up for that long, what else did he not tell me?

The side of Darren I saw yesterday, I was trying to accept that it had always been a part of him. How insecure he was to be jealous about Adonis’s gift and let it make him think I was cheating, how he described me as a burden and easily manipulated, those were not new. He had these tendencies and thoughts long before yesterday. It couldn’t have been my first time seeing them but the argument had forced me to process them. Had it really taken me over two years to finally have a more accurate view of who Darren was?

I was hurt. Sob into my covers, lay in the dark and cry in the shower hurt. Yet, even after all he had said to me, I wished he would call me. I hoped he would show up at my doorstep broken hearted and sorry about everything he said.

The hold he had on me was more intense than I had realized.

My door gave a loud whine as Nancy pushed it open. She had her phone tucked between her ear and neck, one hand on the door and the other holding a half eaten miniature donut.

“I’m asking her now,” she said into the phone, not having looked at me. “Mickey, Tìo wants to know if you want anything from McDonalds.”

I turned my face from her and shook my head. “I’m not hungry.”

I heard the floor creak underneath her as she walked over to my bed. I smelt the chocolate frosting on the donut as she craned her neck to try to see my expression. I tried to turn from her again but it was pointless. It was clear I was crying.

She popped the rest of the dessert into her mouth and spoke into the phone while chewing. “Get her a Big Mac, large fries, a milkshake, maybe a McFlurry for extra measure.”

“I said I wasn’t hungry.”

She continued speaking on the phone, staring at me with a sister-like smirk. “No, trust me. She will eat it all.”

“Nancy!” I swiped at her arm but she stepped back in time for me to miss. She hung up, a sympathetic frown forming on her lips.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No. Go away.”

I rolled over so my back was facing her. Nancy was the last person I would want to speak about Darren with. She hated him. She would be delighted to know we fought. She would regurgitat all the same insults she pelted his way even when they weren’t warranted. She’d make me feel like I should have seen it coming. She’d make it worse.

The bed sunk under Nancy’s weight as she sat beside me. I pouted, waiting for her to go into lecture mode. Depending on what she thought I was crying over, she would play her older sister card and act like her three extra years of life had made her far wiser than I. I waited for the condescension to begin but instead she remained quiet.