LIVING & GRIEVING

05. the hangover

I woke up with those words ringing in my head. "You're going to keep living. V."  Strangely, it was the most comforting thing anyone had said to me so far, and it came from Quinn. I thought about texting him to thank him for the night or even call round next door. I still had to return his jumper too. But I felt like avoiding him would be the easier option. I had let my guard down and I didn't like it. Especially because it was with him.

I sat up, ignoring the pounding in my head, and made my way downstairs. Dad was still sleeping in the living room. He had made the sofa his when we got a hospital bed moved in for mum. I wasn't sure when he'd be ready to go back to his own bedroom. I wouldn't push him on it. I hadn't stepped foot in there either. There was a lot of things we were avoiding doing, like having to go through her stuff. I couldn't bear the thought of that.

It was enough even having to pick out clothes for her to wear in the coffin. Dad had asked me to do it, he probably thought it would be nice for me. "You'll know best," he'd said. But I ended up just settling for the first thing I could find. It didn't look like something she would normally wear. I hated myself for that.

"Morning Ivy," dad broke me away from those thoughts. "Did you have a good night?"

"Morning dad. Yeah, I did. It was nice to be out with my friends again."

I wouldn't dare tell him what I actually thought about the night. We were never that type of family; one that shared their feelings. I think having to hide mums' cancer from everyone scarred me as a teenager. It got me used to putting on a front and hiding my emotions to other people. Dad was a stoic and quiet man anyway; he always had been. I honestly felt like I didn't really know him until recently. Besides, I knew he was glad to see me heading out and I didn't want to give him anything else to worry about. My dads' whole life was my mum. Everything he did revolved around her.

"That's good, why don't you invite the girls round today? I'm sure you're all feeling just as rough as each other."

"Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll maybe give them a call"

It would be nice to unwind with the girls. They arrived at my door almost instantly after I sent the text. They looked even worse than me. "Oh god, you guys really did have a rough night."

"I was on a fucking table V, I can never leave my house again," Hannah dramatically sighed. She obviously didn't know I felt like literally never leaving my house again.

"I almost slept with James," Olivia chimed in.

"Almost?"

"Almost," she confirmed, "we were making out and drunkenly I started talking about a relationship and he got all freaked out. I completely fucked it."

"Well, I suppose if you want a relationship and he doesn't, its maybe for the best it didn't happen then?" I reasoned.

"Maybe, but it was so embarrassing. I swear his dick went soft as soon as I started talking."

Me and Hannah burst out laughing. Olivia just had a way with words. Everything she said about the whole situation after just made us cry with laughter. I felt bad, but I think it helped her make light of it all too. We were right in saying it was for the best, she loved James and it would have only hurt her more if she realised afterwards, he wasn't on the same page.

We enjoyed the rest of the day together, watching girly movies and pampering each other. I had missed this. What I didn't miss was their teasing. I was surprised how long it took them to bring up my side of what happened last night. But when they did, they were relentless.

"Are you going to tell us what happened with Quinn last night?"

"Obviously nothing happened with Quinn."

"So you didn't have sex with him in the back of his car?"

"No, obviously not."

"But you at least kissed him, right?"

"Nope."

"But he stormed in all sexy and heroic and threw you over his shoulder! Anyone in their right mind would've jumped on him!"

"You know I hate Quinn, right?"

"Yeah, I bet hate sex is so hot."

Ignoring their sniggering, I got curious, "do you guys even remember why he had to storm in?" They both shook their heads, and I started explaining how I turned into an emotional drunk and Sean turned into a sort of borderline creepy one. I even emphasised how Hannah was standing in the middle of the whole thing, but her mind was so hazy, she had no idea. I was definitely wrong when I thought she was sobering up.

"I am going to kill Sean," Olivia announced, taking her phone out, obviously going to call him.

"Put that away! I don't want any more drama than I already had last night."

"He's been being a prick to you for months now, V."

"I know and I also know I used him for months, unintentionally of course but I know I hurt him."

They sighed, both knowing that still didn't really give him an excuse. But I think anything could happen to me now and I would downplay it. Things couldn't get any worse for me anyway. I was already at an all-time low.

"I think Quinn likes you," Hannah perked up.

"Oh my god, enough about Quinn. He does not."

"Then why did he want you to sit in the front with him yesterday? Why did he make you wear his jumper?"

"To annoy me, probably. But I know you're going to tell me why you think he did those things anyway, so go ahead."

"I think he wants people to think that you're his."

I almost laughed out loud hearing her say that, even Olivia found it hilarious. We all started laughing so hard my stomach got sore. "I'm going to completely ignore that you said that. You're an idiot," I managed to choke out.

"No, I actually agree with her you know," Olivia managed to get out between laughter, "I don't know why I'm finding it so funny. But she does have a point. Think about it, I know he's not the most talkative person on earth. He is quite cold. But he's nice enough to almost everyone else. Boys are weird that way."

She wasn't wrong in saying boys were weird, but they were only meant to be weird that way in primary school. Quinn was 19, he'd surely grown out of that phase. I called him a lot of negative things, never immature though. "You're both idiots then," I shook my head, ignoring the jittering feeling in my stomach. "I'm going to bed, do you guys wanna stay over?"

They pulled out the air mattress I had kept under the bed for the past couple months. The first time they both stayed over, we all slept in my single bed, with my dog too. My room was big enough for a double, but my furniture took up too much space. I had too many clothes and didn't have the effort to rearrange everything.

So, Hannah had brought an air mattress over the second night and Olivia still squeezed in with me. We actually had a lot of happy memories with that mattress. As silly as it sounds, it was a good way to lighten the mood when mum wasn't well. It would deflate during the night and Hannah would wake up on the floor. We would burst out laughing and then laugh even more as she tried to pump it up again.

I drifted to sleep, happy to have my friends with me. Guilty for not thinking about mum.