Stargazer (Eddie Vedder)

17

February 3, 1992

"Are you alright in there?" I heard Jeff ask as I hunched over the toilet in the dressing room. I attempted to mumble a "yes" before I puked again. He tapped the door again. "Can I come in?" I pushed the door open.

He looked down at me. "You actually look green, Mooney. Cartoon green."

"Ugh, thanks. Think the camera will pick it up?"

He sat on the floor. "Doubt it. You'll look radiant, as always, Luna. Always have, always will. Nerves?"

"Mm, I think so. I don't think I'm pregnant, at least."

"Gross, Mooney." He scrunched his nose, making me laugh before I had to crane over the bowl again. "Is everything okay?"

"Physically or mentally?" I asked weakly. I leaned my head against the wall, breathing heavily.

"Mentally. I can see what's happening physically."

I rolled my head around a little, squeezing my eyes shut. Eddie and Chris were the only ones who knew how badly I was fighting with Stone. "It's, um, it's complicated."

"I'm here if you want to talk about it. The other guys are meeting with execs, I thought I would stay with you." He smiled weakly, slipping his hat off his head.

"Thanks."

"Yeah."

We sat in silence for a moment, staring at the eggshell walls of the bathroom. "Stone and I have really been fighting. Worse than usual."

"Why? If you don't mind me asking."

I sighed. "Uh, since Andy's been gone, he's been, I don't know, belligerent, I guess. Not the normal Stone." I leaned over the bowl again, spitting. "And then Eddie came into the picture, and shit just set off. We had our worst fight ever a month ago."

"Is that why those shows were so weird?"

I nodded. "He got mad because we spent Eddie's birthday driving around and looking at houses for fun. He doesn't want me moving in with a stranger, I guess. Had no problem when Andy and I lived together, though."

Jeff hummed, thinking. "He's just worried about you, man." I scrunched my nose. "Seriously. He doesn't want you to get hurt again."

"So why is he the one hurting me?"

He drew a long breath. "That's a great question. Might just be the million-dollar question. I don't know. You know him, he thinks everything he does is right. And he means well. I think."

I felt my stomach churn, and I held my hand up to shield Jeff from watching me puke again. I wiped my mouth as I flushed with the other hand. "I just need him to stop butting into my shit all the time. He literally told me what color shirt to buy. He took over my damn style."

Jeff laughed. "I don't know. But if you think that what Eddie and you are doing, keep doing it. I haven't seen a single bad thing yet. Sure, a few arguments here and there, but nothing like what happened between you and Andy. I genuinely thought you two were going to kill each other sometimes."

I smiled sorrowfully. "That's the one thing I would take back. I wish Andrew and I didn't fight as much as I did. And that's why I try to resolve every fight with Eddie before it happens. Because Stone has been the one picking fights in my life. No one will leave me the fuck alone anymore."

"It also doesn't help that we've been on tour for months on end with no breaks."

"Yeah. That doesn't help."

He grumbled. "I think Eddie wants to try to cancel the tour in the summer. His voice is about to snap."

"Oh, man, I know. He woke up the other morning to talk to me and just couldn't get anything out for an hour. An hour."

"Do you hope he does?"

I thought for a moment. "I mean, will it sound wrong if I do?"

"No."

"Then I do. I do hope so. Because I wanna go home. And stay home. For a while. I wanna see my parents."

"Me too. I know mine live in town, but still. Haven't seen them since last March."

"Yeah. I'm just so tired, man. I'm tired. I want to get a good day of rest."

He rubbed my back, eliciting a shudder. "It's almost done. A few more months, man." I could tell he had no idea how to comfort me with words, so instead, he did this. And honestly, it was a lot better.

A whole lot better.