Bittersweet

The Days are Long

I couldn't force myself out of bed the next morning. I faked a stomach flu when my mother came to check on me before dropping the kids off at school. She promised to come back and bring breakfast for us to eat downstairs.

Something light on the stomach.

I couldn't eat a spoonful of the creamy chicken and rice soup she opted to make at home instead of buying out. She knew I like her's better. Knew I could never pass on it, no matter how sick I was. So of course she knew she had to sit me down to get me to spill my guts.

"What is wrong?" I wanted to say nothing. I wanted to deny anything being out of sorts. I wanted her to believe that I was fine. But like she said, she knew me and I had no energy left to put up a front for this situation on top of the front I have been putting up for over a year.

"It is Lilly and me. We had a fight, sorta." I let my head hang low. My forearms on my knees and my shoulders slumped.

"I knew it." She joked. I didn't react. She always did this, she would go through three routes to get me to open up. Every time, one of them eventually got me to crack. But joking was not the right one this time around.

It was humor, sarcasm, and finally heartfelt advice.

And sometimes she surprised me with something new.

"What did you do?" An accusatory stance. That was new. I raised my head and looked at her with a lost expression.

"Why do you think I did something?"

"When is it ever Lilly's fault when you get into a little spat?"

"Spat?" I huff out in amusement.

"I have been watching more european shows lately." She admits. I shake my head at her. "Let's get back on topic, what happened?"

I turn serious again and let out an exhausting sigh. "There is this guy."

"A guy?" I can hear the smile on her face.

"Not like that. It isn't me that wants him. I am not even sure if she wants to be with him. But she is starting to-" I couldn't say it. It was too humiliating to discuss this with my mom.

"I would never judge you Mercy. I am here to listen and help you. I love you." She takes my hand and holds it tenderly in hers. I feel support and secure and confident enough to tell her.

"She is prioritizing him over me. She is pushing me away. I feel like she...like she is afraid of me." I sniffle. Trying to hold back the tears. I feel her other arm come around my shoulders and bury my face into her shoulder. I let it out. I always felt comfortable to be vulnerable in front of my mom. We were one in the same when it came to pain. We were emotional babies.

"You are both growing up. Things change. Others come into your lives." She pulls back enough for me to look at her. "Things can't stay the same forever and people stray. but you still have your father, your sister and brother, and me."

I launched into her. Crying out how much I loved her and how grateful I was to have her. She held me tighter. Maybe she was right. Maybe it was time to let go. Time to accept this change in Lilly. Time to back off and take only what she was willing to offer in our friendship.

I still had my family.

I felt my mother tense under me. Then I heard her gasp and her body went limp in my arms. I froze. Something was wrong. Her heart was slowing down drastically.

"Mom?" My voice faltered.

I let her go and her body collapsed to the ground. Unmoving. Not a hint of life.