lost at sea||TSITP FF

chapter 5

it's late again, dark outside. the days are so long yet so fast. i want my days to last forever,infinity. i get up from my bed and check my phone. i message conrad, i swear it's just because everyone else is probably sleeping. i message him.
𝐦𝐞- 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞?
without even a second later he responds
𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐫𝐚𝐝-𝐲𝐞𝐚 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐮𝐩
i thought about what i was gonna say. was i going to explain to him that i might feel slight feelings towards him or was i just reading into to much shit. i was clueless, indecisive even.
𝐦𝐞- 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞
i feel a slight hint of regret of sending that, however, it could have been worse. i hear his footsteps coming up and then the door crawls open slowly. he turns the light on and asks me gently "you okay what's up?". i smile, "yea no nothing yea i'm completely fine urm" i pause "did you get belly anything for her birthday?" i ask. his jaw drops in disbelieve "shit shit shit no i didn't fuck" conrad panics, "hey no look i got it, i'll add your name to my present" i tell him. he looks at me strangely. "don't you think it makes us look like a couple? like together" he suggests. i roll my eyes. "would it be so bad if we was together?"i question him, hoping he would get the joke and remember when he said that to me. "look if you care that much you can just admit to belly that you forgot your own bestfriends birthday!"i say. he shakes his head "i never said it was bad, me and you" he adds.

i bite my lip contemplating on what i'm about to say, "look, what's up with you,us,even, be honest do you like me?" i ask. i regret that with everything in me, amongst every bone and cell in my body. he scoffs "you think i like you? does evelyn have a crush on me?" he jokes. i go silent, not knowing if he's serious or not. "look, i thought we was just messing about but i think someone is taking this seriously" he comments. i roll my eyes and sigh "your lying, i know your lying!" i tell him. "conrad how many girls have you broke down infront of? and your saying you don't find any part of me attractive? BULLSHIT" i whisper loudly. he looks at me hesitantly "you can't just ask me shit like this ev, look i do like you but i don't know, i don't know alright" he says. "you don't know what, if you can be with me right now or if you want me? i'm sorry i'm not like nicole or them girls but you can't deny there's something there conrad" i remind him. he sits down on my bed and grabs my hands. "of course i like you, it's just not easy okay" he reassures me, however this time i don't believe him. "talk to me" i say, "what's wrong conrad, you don't have to hold it all in" i tell him. he bites his cheek trying to figure out how to even tell me what he's about to say. "mom" he lets out. "my moms i'll, and not gonna get better" he tells me while im wiping away at a dropping tear. i hug him, and tell him i'm sorry, because i am. "im sorry conrad im so sorry i've been such a bitch lately and i promise i had no idea"
i tell him. "it's okay, it's not your fault, it never was, but she's dying ev" he try's to say while catching his breath. she's dying? that can't be right. i swear that can't be right. "no, no she's not no, she's strong she'll fight the doctors will fix her she can't she won't" i reassure him, however i know nothing. my reassurance isn't support, it's an optimistic temporary idea of comfort. i never planned this night to happen like this.

after talking for so long i find myself wrapped around conrad's body, finding comfort in being next to him, and holding him. i didn't tell him to leave, he made me promise i would stay quiet and tell no one, he was also a mess, and there's no way i could let him go. he needs me, he needs someone,anyone. i have no idea how he kept that in for so long, it's destroying me by the second, and i have no idea how i will be able to act as if i know nothing, but i will, for conrad,belly,steven and jere.