Asymptote (bxb)

Chapter 15: Unwanted

Since I knew I wasn't going to sleep anyways, I decided to start righting my wrongs. I decided to start with Cian since that was likely the easiest. Though it felt like fixing things with Cian would only hurt them with Mi.

I peered at the last text he had sent through the pitch-darkness of the night in my room. The light from the screen burned my eyes.

Incoming Message

Did I miss something? Is everything okay? Let me know where your heads at.

Sent 7:30PM

The million-dollar question, where was my head at? Some would argue it must have disconnected from my body when I uttered those words to Mi. Some would say that it had happened when I agreed to go out with Cian in the first place.

I took a deep breath, digging my teeth into my bottom lip. Honesty is always best, right?

Outgoing Message

It's nothing you did- I really had a great time.

It's more of my "a lot going on" stuff. Maybe I could see you and explain everything?

Delivered

The idea of having that conversation with Cian was enough to send chills and nervous cold sweats through my body, but he deserved to know what he was in. He was a good person. He didn't deserve to be strung along by me, as much as I selfishly wanted to let him be. It felt so fucking good to be wanted, and not just wanted in secret or in the middle of the night. He wanted me so obviously that anyone could see, he wasn't trying to hide me from anyone. He wasn't embarrassed by me, and he wasn't embarrassed by who he was. That's all I wanted, more than anything. I knew he wouldn't answer tonight, so I had until tomorrow morning at least to face the situation again.

My mom had made many attempts to come to my room and talk, all met with silence on my part. Her existence only heightened my guilt, knowing Mi went home to no one after our fight. I decided to try one more call to Miles. I had heard the "your call was forwarded to a voicemail that has not been initialized by the customer you are calling" message so many times I could hear it in the silence of the night. It had been a whole day without hearing anything.

Mi was one of two places right now. He was either doing his classic out picking a fight with someone, or he was down by the ravine. Those odds were enough to have me throwing on clothes and a jacket, headed into the cold night. It was that awkward fall turning winter point in November, where some days were warm enough for a light jacket, and others I was bundled up and still couldn't feel my fingers.

I tried to slip out silently as not to wake anyone, but also quickly so that I didn't give anyone a chance to ask where I was going. I booked it down the road after the door closed, heading to the first place I had ever met Mi. The wind seemed to howl through the leafless trees as a warning, but I ignored it. As you could tell, I had a way about me of ignoring bad signs.

I kicked displaced pieces of gravel down the road as I walked, not even having to look up to cross the streets. The road was motionless, except for the skunks that frequented the neighbourhood. I cut through my old elementary school to get there faster, ignoring the obvious smell of weed coming from the playground and the car idling in the parking lot. I always hated that smell. But weed had become the next step after drinking wasn't exciting anymore, the additional edge. The perfect amount of illegal to still be a thrill. And when doing it got old, selling it and making a profit off of it, that was the next thrill. More risk, more reward.

I didn't mind selling it, it was usually me just meeting some guy from a class and him raving about the party he was going to, or the girl he was seeing, and pretending to be interested until he handed me cash. Then, me walking it back to Beatle and splitting up the cuts. Where Beatle was getting it from was the part of the equation that I wanted none of. That was the thin line I walked. Just oblivious enough.