Asymptote (bxb)

Chapter 16: Relief

"Well that was..." Cian's voice faded out, and he instead ended the sentence with a throat-clearing noise as he raked his hand through his hair and stared out the window of his car at the rocky waves hitting the rocks.

"A lot? Unexpected? Frustrating?" I offered, though I figured the words he was looking for were probably worse than that.

Cian had seen my text so early that I had barely gone to sleep when he replied. He was working the morning shift at Carol's that day, 5am to 12pm. He texted back that he would stop by my place after he finished work so we could talk. Of course, I wanted this conversation as far away from my house as possible, so Cian drove out to a parking lot that overlooked the lake. It seemed like a fair enough place for a deep conversation, and the business that owned that parking lot had been foreclosed, so there was no one around.

I hadn't put much effort into getting ready for said conversation, as I figured it would likely end with me crying even more. I wore a comfy green sweater and loose-fitting jeans that had an unintentional rip in the knee and a burn mark somewhere down the right leg. Cian on the other hand had made a point to change out of his work clothes and into a black turtleneck sweater and fitted plaid patterned dress pants. It only added to the guilt that I was already suffocating in.

Much to Cian's credit, he let me get through the whole story without interrupting or judging me. He just nodded and looked from my mouth to my eyes as I spoke. I had kept bus money in my pocket, expecting to get ejected from the car at any moment. I told him how I met Miles, I told him about the drugs, and finally, I told him about how hopelessly in love I was with Miles, and I told him about what had happened the night before. Although, I did keep some details to myself.

It's you that I want, not him.

The words stung to even think of, those were words Cian never could hear. He didn't deserve it. It would make him feel the exact way I felt last night, watching my heart get shattered into a million fragments so small that you could not even attempt to retrieve them.

"Relieving," he finally said.

"Relieving?"

Was he just looking for a way out and I had handed it to him on a plate? Was he already sick of me? Did he think I was just some stupid kid? Did he realize he was mistaken about thinking there was anything special about me?

"I felt... a little crazy. I felt like there was something off, but you just kept denying it. Every time we would see each other it was really nice, but the in-betweens had me questioning everything, reflecting back on every word I had said to figure out if I did something wrong," he started as he wiped his palms on the tops of his thighs, and he cracked his window a little, letting in the cold air.

I wished the world would swallow me. This should be my punishment, he deserved to know, but it didn't mean I had to enjoy it. Listening to the way you affect someone and hurt someone may be the worst feeling in the universe.

"So, yeah, obviously this wasn't what I was hoping for, and it sucks a lot but, it's relieving to know that it wasn't just me. That there really was something going on."

"I'm really sorry... I never wanted to make you feel that way. I never wanted to hurt anyone," I turned to the window to hide the single tear that was rolling down my face, "I guess you probably don't want to see me again." I said it as a statement, but I was hoping it would be heard as a question. I was hoping there was still some chance here. Something to be salvaged. Just maybe.

"Is that what you want?" He turned to me and brought a hand up to gently turn my head towards him, allowing him to look into my eyes. It made my stomach turn. Whether it was a good turn or a bad turn, I wasn't sure.