My stuff

Weirdest flex of the day

Greetings to all of you who surgically removed their penis to replace it with a gatling gun. How has your day been?

And for those of you who didn't, what the fuck? The changes are really minimal, I still only drop my pants in front of preschoolers.

I'm doing this tag thing, because I always do things when people least expect it. This is why I don't have any meaningful relationships.

Courtesy of TheLoneWanderer17, he does things, which is very different from what you'd expect from the Stuff doers like me. I swear I read what he does (this is an open lie, I don't. I hold no blame if any of his books makes you join a cult or a terrorist group). Check him out!

1. What are things you can't leave the house without?

Homie! Brother in faith! Fellow fervent follower of Genghis Khan's philosophy! Colleague in arson! There is nothing I didn't forget when I leave my house. Except maybe my phone. I forget my keys half of the time and I distinctly remember almost leaving without my shoes once.

And I would have if it wasn't raining that day. My phone though? Can't leave without Joakim's commanding voice throwing me into the war of life.

2. Favorite brand of makeup

Whichever one's the most flammable. My natural caveman looks, only matched by Ted Kaczynski himself need none of that industrial makeup stuff.

Not even the sexy model figuring on your fancy lipstick will convince me to even ironically buy that shit.

3. Favorite flowers

Don't let yourself be fooled by the flower lobby, they all taste the same. Like spicy leaves with a dog piss aftertaste. Well not all. Roses are pretty neat.

Like, I went to this indian restaurants (never go to indian restaurants, they're generally not worth the money) and they had this drink called Lassi, apparently they mix yogurt with water. Pointless since milk is a thing that exist and is much cheaper but I digress. Apparently they sweeten it with rose water, and that shit tastes fiiine.

All this story to say that rose water tastes pretty good, and is apparently more healthy than sugar. Can I have more of that?

4.Favorite clothing store

Well when it comes to arson, the bigger tends to be the better. And based on my limited knowledge, Zara is the largest clothing firm in all of Europe. So I guess if I had to set fire to a single clothing franchise, Zara would allow me to at least burn down the whole Mediterranean contour. And Paris, the world would be strictly better without Paris.

5.Favorite perfume

Napalm.

6. Heels or flats?

Heels are always superior. They're generally the reason wrestling is such an entertaining thing to watch. Also they're not called flats but baby faces. I know that name isn't any less stupid but go tell that to people who unironically watch wrestling. The one sport which would be better without the sport. Also, Trump made for an epic heel, he needs to come back to the WWE.

7. Do you make good grades?

I've never tried forging a grade. I don't value numbers all that much. Although if you're offering good money I may just try. It's probably not that hard judging how schools are terrible with anything related to computers. And I say that as an old man myself.

8.Favorite color

My fellow citizen, I have (self diagnosed) ADHD, I hardly pay attention to colors. Don't ask me to remember what they look like.

9. Do you drink energy drinks?

Only before I'm put through something I consider stressful. Sometimes the caffeine works and sometimes I'm half asleep anyway because my body doesn't care about your stimulus, all it wants is the sweet release of death.

10. Do you drink juice

Barely. I generally prefer the fruit when it has a shape. Except for things like peaches or apricots, I can't stand the fruit but liquefy that bitch and I'm slurping it like it's delicious.

Just like I like my women.

11. Do you like swimming?

Swimming pools? Too crowded. Lakes? Yeah, they're pretty cool. Seas/oceans? Bro I'm doing real man shit, like playing with the waves.

12. Do you eat fries with a fork?

If I do, my intention is to insult whoever made your fries, and probably you, and your family. And Cody from Arkansas, fucking clown.

13.What's your favorite moisturizer?

I'm not old enough to be interested in s*lf care 🤢🤢🤢

Sorry, just thinking about all the weird creams and juices.

14. Do you want to get married later in life?

Assuming the multiverse theory is real, I will die single, with nobody who remembers my name in at least 95% of them. No, make it 90%, I probably killed myself early in a few of those.

Although, I've been having enough dreams about taking care of a child to convince myself I should adopt one. Single father life is the life, as long as it's not a matter of circumstances I suppose.

15. Do you get mad easily?

I have very few triggers, but if you manage to hit one of them my reaction will generally be pretty extreme. And it gets worse as I age, it's the shared gene pool of old people coursing through me I guess.

PSA: If you're a middle aged woman who works as an English teacher, your very existence gives me enough rage to fuel a city out of the adrenaline I'll produce, for at least 15 hours. I had bad experiences.

16. Are you into ghost hunting?

Oh my sweet baby boy, I'm into ghosts alright. If I hunt them, it's not for clout, for sports or for food. I will put the ghosts straight into the sex dungeon with the spirits of my child sex slaves.

They will be the ones haunted by what I'll do to them.

17. Any phobias?

Seeing your face 👉👉

I guess not having control over things. I'm not talking the sociopathic talk, I mean things like rollercoasters. I can't stand not having control of the speed and just be forced along the ride the moment I take the damn seat. Also, mild fear or heights, whenever the thing at the bottom isn't water, which probably doesn't make sense but when did I ever?

18. Do you bite your nails?

I eat my foot, so I'm a bit beyond nails. But I also eat my nails. I eat everything I can from my body. No really, I even ate the damn stitches after surgery, they had to re-do them.

19. Have you ever had a near death experience?

Who didn't? A few times with cars running into me, that time where if I didn't break my arm my head would have probably taken the shock. Also that time where I got lost in a forest if that counts. Also when I asked your mom to get on top.

I still don't know how I survived that one.

20. Do you drink coffee?

Fuck no. I'm a gentleman, I only drink choccy milk. With two sugars pretty please.

That's it, I have nothing else to talk about. So feel free to stare at the lack of words while we both question the meaning of our existence.