The Symphony of the Fallen

Untitled Part 16

                                                 October 15, 2014

I found that I am moving in just a few weeks. I will be going to new school with lots of new people. The school is quite larger than the school I am in now. I am not quite sure on how I feel about that. I don't know if I am happy about getting lost in the crowd or not. I guess I am kind of having mixed emotions about it.

Wow me having mixed emotions about something, what else is new? I have always had this dream of finding a friend that understands me. I wonder if I might me he or she there. It would be nice if it was a girl because it is more normal for two girls to hang out all the time than a guy and girl to hang out all the time. I am not going to complain if it is a guy. Honestly I just want to meet someone who understand me so I know I am not alone.  I have felt alone all my life it would be so nice to have a friend. Not just any friend either, a true friend. I have never had one of those and I want one so bad. I would probably buy the person stuff all the time.

Of course I would buy them stuff I have to earn their friendship somehow.  Wait that is not how things work.  Well I am going to do it anyway. I would love them so much and I would probably bug them to death. But like there always is there will be a day that friend leaves and breaks my heart.

 If there is one thing I have learned in all the years I have been on this earth is that everyone always leaves. That is why I do not trust anyone is because I know how people are. I believe the people that have trust issues are the ones who truly have the world figured out.

They are the smart ones who know how to avoid heart break. This life is very lonely but it seems better because I feel that I have control over it this way. That probably makes me sound like a control freak which, is most likely true.

I wouldn't necessarily call myself a "control freak" but, I guess that is another strange term that describes me. I am made up into many different parts actually. I have many different sides of me, some good some bad. I am a very complex creature who does not go along with the rest of the human race. Although in my opinion I believe each human being is different and belongs in their own species. None of us are exactly the same we cannot be described as one word or even a sentence for that matter. There is always more to us. Sometimes we can't see it but that does not mean it is not there.  That is like the most inspirational thing I ever said. When did I get so inspirational? OH wait that is another thing added to the complex structure of Blue Bates. I might have always been like this just I have never noticed it until this very second. It is crazy how our minds work but, it is also terrifying at the same time.

Some minds are worse than others. For example my mind is probably scarier than any of my so called "friends". My mind is actually probably scarier than anyone's at my school. But, that is another rant I am saving for later.

Well today has been a busy day. I ended up having homework in all my classes which I find absolutely wretched. I know in high school this will happen more often and I will have to learn how to suck it up and deal with it if I make it to high school.

Some days I think I can and other days I see it as very unlikely. To be honest most days I see it as very unlikely. My point still stands of it doesn't matter I don't change lives, I will not change the world I will always be a nobody.

No one will build a statue of me or make things in honor of my memory. This is where the fear of oblivion comes into play. In the end, no one will be remembered. Everything we done here will not matter. Non one will remember my name. I will just go down as another number.

That is who most people are. Not all of us can be celebrities. Some of us have to suffer and be an extra. I know this sounds pretty crazy but, it is the truth. I think I have written enough rants for one night so it is time for me to end this entry and say, good night old lady therapist.