The Symphony of the Fallen

Untitled Part 20

Dear old lady therapist,

I do not enjoy being alone. Sometimes crowded places feel like the loneliest places. I avoid these places and spend time after time in my room waiting for a solution to come to my door. No solution ever comes. I always tend to be left there with my thoughts. My thoughts start to slowly kill me. I drift away into a new world which I stay. A new world where there is just me. I do not feel alone. I feel nothing at all but, something tells me this will get old. Thoughts rush to my head again and I back at the place I started in. My room. I swear I will never leave this room. Any place away from this space I do not belong this is my sanctuary where I must stay. Because heavens knows this is the only place I belong.

Poems are the only things that I can express my thoughts in. I like how they don't have to rhyme. If poems were required to rhyme I would probably never write one. I would just talk myself out of it and say it is too hard for something I can handle. I always prepare for failure so I don't get disappointed when I encounter failure. I am use to losing I have been doing it my whole life.

A wise person once said that everyone loses sometimes and everyone wins sometimes.

 I just wonder when am I going to start winning. Faith in things going my way has long ran out. I have no faith in myself honestly, but that is something I must hide. I can't let people see how broken I am inside. When people see how broken you are inside they feel the need to help, so you let them in and after they are done helping you they think you owe them for the rest of our lives.

 They also bring it up every time something happens.

So in my past experiences humans are not one to trust. They are truly disgusting creatures. A wise man once said it is not the world that is so bad it is the people that are in the world that are truly to blame. HE was an incredible man who, understood the world very well. He had six children and was born during the great depression.

 I believe he knows a thing or two about live.

My favorite thing about him is that he can see through all the bull shit lies that everyone says. I admire that. I admire how people see the world how it truly is and doesn't try to sugar coat it or pity anyone. I don't know why I admire it so much. I probably like it so much is because I don't believe in pity. Pity doesn't get anyone anywhere.

If you go through life making excuses for yourself you are never going to become a better person.

 One who does not admit to any wrong will never improve. It is absolutely the things I say at my age. The thing about my age is that you can't express your opinions or older people will judge you. You could not believe how many times I have heard "You think you got the world figured out don't you?" To be honest I think I know a thing or two about life. I know I am still young and I have a lot to learn but I don't think I am completely clueless.

I surround myself in life stories trying to figure out what I need to do with my life. I have read so many tragedies and so many happy endings. I want a happy ending but you know some of us are not cut out for the happy ending. Some of us just have to suck it up and deal with the tragedy. So far I can tell that my social life has been a tragedy.

But I will wait for the story to play out. MY story better be worth the wait. But what if it isn't worth the wait? I can't do anything about it.

There is nothing you can do about it. You just suck it up and deal with life's bull shit. There isn't anything else you can do to fix it anyway. Just because you can't do anything about doesn't mean that I will accept not being able to do anything about it though. Goodnight old lady therapist.