Diary of a Homosexual

𝔹𝕠𝕟𝕦𝕤 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣: 𝕃𝕠𝕔𝕜𝕖𝕕 ℕ𝕠𝕥𝕖

I don't know why I'm writing this but maybe it's to read back on it. I just woke up from a dream. A long dream about many things but mainly getting closure about my feelings for Brandon. I have told very few of my crush on him and no one that I was in love with him. I rarely say the words myself anymore because its like Olivia said.

"It's bittersweet to think about about the damage that we'd do. 'Cause I was going down but I was doing it with you."

In my case, though, it's more like, "It's bittersweet to think about the damage that I'd do. 'Cause I was going down, but I was doing it for you."

I changed the words because I would do heavy damage to myself emotionally over you. I was so insecure and ashamed of my myself that I convinced myself the only way for you to ever love me was to be skinny, become cool and less smart, basically be one of the guys so we could even be friends. Change everything about myself so that you would talk to me. I tore myself down in the process of trying to reach that goal. I took every pill and did every diet but nothing worked and so I blamed myself. I would tell myself in the mirror that I didn't deserve love from you much less anyone else if I couldn't lose weight. Do you know how much that hurt me to hurt myself like that? No because I never told you or anyone else that that's how I was feeling in middle school. I guess that's why the dream was centered there.

When people ask me why I don't like to think about my years in middle school there's two reasons. One because I got bullied for being gay while I was still trying to figure that out and then I had to fight like hell to deny the rumors and "tone" myself down. And even people I was close with used that against me. Two is you. I hate to think about how in love with you I was and how you made me feel. Good and bad. I felt like I could never be good enough to even be called your friend, let alone date you. But before I forget the dream, we were in middle school but we didn't look like we did then. We were our age now for the most part or at least we dressed like it. There was a flood and we all hid around the school waiting for it to clear I guess, but finally, when it was deemed safe to return to class, I headed straight for you. I just felt this intense anger because I was going to confront you about everything. All the years of pain I went through and all the times where I felt I wasn't good enough and that no one would ever love me. How you've been haunting me in my dreams. Extending your hand out to me with the promise that things will be different if I just simply let myself fall for you again. But I know better. I know you won't catch me, so instead I turn away and break my heart before you or anyone else can. Quite literally.

I was going to confront you about all of it. But on the way, the people started to react to my anger. People started fighting each other for no reason. Suddenly in that moment I realized I couldn't do this out of anger. One because the fighting started blocking my path to you but two because I don't really hate you. I tell myself I do because it easier to hate you than to remember loving you because I'm afraid. I'm so afraid that if I stop feeling any sort of rage whenever I think of you or see you then I will fall for you again. I've worked so hard to get to a place where I don't hate myself when I look in the mirror. I can actually stand to look at myself and not degrade how I look in an outfit. And that's because I've been losing weight in a healthy way. Not dependent on the idea of being your boyfriend and finally feeling loved as my motivation. This time I'm doing it for myself. Yes to help me feel better about myself but also because I've always wanted to lose the weight. I just was never kind to myself to do it without reverting back to old habits. Some people think it's just a do or don't but really it's a mental thing.

Back to the dream, I decide to calm myself down and take deep breaths. Soon the fighting stops and the crowd parts to make it easier to find you. I almost miss you but I turn at the right moment and find you on my left standing near the library doors. You were wearing black joggers with a red stripe going up the sides and a shirt that complimented that. I grabbed your arm and separated you from the crowd. I didn't know why I was doing this or what the point of it was because I was having flashes of clarity that let me know that this was a dream. I knew I wasn't going to be talking to the real you, so why was I doing this?