Diary of a Homosexual

𝕃𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕠𝕟 6: ℍ𝕠𝕞𝕠𝕡𝕙𝕠𝕓𝕖𝕤

"𝙸𝚏 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚢 𝚠𝚎𝚛𝚎𝚗'𝚝 𝚐𝚊𝚢, 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍𝚗'𝚝 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚑𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚍."
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Today Kaleb, I had my first experience of meeting a homophobe. I knew there were people out there that don't agree with gay people, and I knew I would have to defend my sexuality to others someday, but luckily I didn't have to protect myself. Instead, I watched my friend support me and others like me. Honestly, I know I won't be able to avoid that confrontation. It's just I can't defend someone else if I can't defend myself. The thought of having to terrifies me because I'm comfortable with myself, but I still care what other people think, and your sexuality now can decide your friendships. I am thankful for my friend being there because not a lot of people know I'm gay, so I'm glad I wasn't the target because, at the time, I couldn't speak. Even now, I can't speak or think of a comeback because I see some gay people stick up for themselves and I really wish I could, but it's like my heart stops and I can't breathe.

I couldn't fake my confidence at that moment. I just let my friend and that boy argue about it while keeping my head down. The argument weirdly started over Pitch Perfect, one of my favorite movies. The boy was arguing with this girl over the women in the cast all being gay, which made no sense. And I know some of them in real life are either gay or bisexual, but he was saying they were all gay in the movie, which is not true. I think he was referring to the shower scene with Becca and Chloe. But if he was paying attention, he would know that Chloe was having sex with a guy in the bathroom. She only stopped because she heard Becca singing. Also, girls change in front of each other, so it's not like they don't see each other's boobs and vagina. It's not some otherworldly discovery. If I was in Becca's situation, I would be covering myself too because this random guy just walked in my shower cubicle because he heard me singing like privacy anybody.

After my friend agreed with the girl, the boy found another situation to get his point across since he failed at Pitch Perfect. I'm sure most people have heard about the case of a cake maker refusing to make a gay couple a wedding cake because it went against his beliefs.

"If they weren't gay, that wouldn't have happened." The guy said. "I don't know why people do stuff like that like. I don't like gay people."

"Yeah, but when you see two girls start kissing, it's suddenly okay." My friend retorted.

"What?" He asked, dumbfounded.

"What?" She repeated back mockingly.

And that's basically how that conversation went against the boy and my friend. And I know some of you would have gone off on the boy, but I wasn't mad at him. More so I felt sad for him. I live in the South, and most of the South is against gay marriage, and down here, it's mainly God, church, and country boys. I felt bad because that's how he was raised. That's all he's seen, and I know he has been influenced to think that way because there are straight guys that are comfortable with gay people and their upbringing had to have had an influence on them.

I just feel bad for people like that guy because what makes me sad is wondering if I was raised to hate gay people. I honestly don't think I would go through life feeling stable emotionally or mentally well because, through the years, I would have hated myself. I would have denied myself the freedom of loving another boy. I never would find love because I would always think the love I want to have is with a guy, not a girl. Then I start to tear up because I know who I am and how I handle stuff like that and it would not have been pretty.

But I can't change someone's opinion in a day, just like I can't change the world in a day. But how does this relate to you, Kaleb? You've lived down here your entire life, as far as I know. You're a southern country boy, and I know your parents go to church and are Christians. So if that boy was raised in the same environment as you, how do I know you aren't the same? A part of me wants to believe that you're different because I've known you longer than that boy, but I've never really asked what you think of that, and even if you were alright with gay people, that doesn't mean you want to date one.

So am I falling for another Brandon, or should I have faith that you could be different, and I don't know for sure? The only way to know for sure is to ask you, but if I get an answer I don't like, I don't think I can face another slap in my face that I have once again fallen for a straight guy or, worse, a homophobe.

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