Diary of a Homosexual

𝕃𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕠𝕟 2: 𝕂𝕖𝕖𝕡 𝕐𝕠𝕦𝕣 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕣𝕥 ℂ𝕝𝕠𝕤𝕖

"𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜𝚎𝚕𝚏 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚐𝚞𝚒𝚕𝚝𝚢 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚠𝚊𝚗𝚝𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚝."
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After the dance, I realized I wasn't careful about how much I put my heart out there, and I needed to be more cautious in the future. I didn't ever want to feel that pain again, but I didn't know if I ever wanted to love someone like that again. Not if I had to risk feeling that pain. Logically it made sense. Humans tend to avoid pain whenever we can, so my adolescent brain reasoned that never loving someone would save me from despair. I continued having a crush on you, but I knew not to go too deep this time.

I guess that helped me see your other qualities besides your looks. You don't care what people think of you, or you don't show it. I envy you for that quirk because I deeply care what people think and lack the next best thing I wish I had. Confidence. My confidence comes from if everyone likes and agrees with what I decide. But I care more about what my friends think, and I'm learning to appreciate their opinions more than others. But I will have to learn to be okay with what I believe and stick with it. But I'm not perfect. For example, I was and probably still am superficial regarding who I like. I like my ideal guy to look good even though I wasn't the prettiest boy in school. That's another lesson I had to learn. I didn't have to settle for someone who looked like me because I felt I wasn't worth any hot guys' attention. I still struggle with that today, but I remind myself of that lesson. You can want more for yourself without feeling guilty for wanting it.

You taught me to be more observant when choosing who I like, and it even extended to who I'm friends with; now, I'm even able to catch when people are lying to me. That also has helped me become a better liar myself.

You assume I'm straight because you asked me, "When are you gonna get a girlfriend?"

I don't like downright lying about my sexuality, but I don't want many people to know—only my close friends. And not to be rude, but you're not my best friend, but you're not an acquaintance either. We're something in the middle, so I gave you an appropriate answer.

"Whenever I get out of this town." But I wanted to say, "When you get a boyfriend."

Aidan, I believe you're straight. But I do feel like if maybe you were drunk or dared, you would kiss a guy because even though you prefer girls, I still like to believe you have a little bisexual side to you. But I'm still so confused about why you would ask me if this person was gay. You asked my friend about this guy's sexuality and me if one of my friends was gay. I still don't know if you asked me because you just wanted to know because you picked up some signs, and you didn't want to go and assume or, and this is a stretch, but maybe you wanted to see if they were or not to get advice for something you're going through. Yeah, definitely a stretch. You've always been curious, so I think you genuinely wanted to know, even though it's none of your business. I'm almost afraid to consider that you may even ask someone why they are the sexuality they say there are. But saying it out loud sounds ridiculous to me. Though to my knowledge at the time, you didn't have a girlfriend, and I'm pretty sure you didn't based on your choice of words one day. But you now may have an interest in one of my best friends, and I remember being scared that she might like you back, and I had to figure out why I was scared of you and her getting together. Because I don't want you, but at the same, I felt like I had you first.

But you said you maybe wouldn't be able to date her because you have a lot of friends that are girls, and you know my friend would get jealous. I hate to admit it, but you're not wrong. To clarify, my friend is not so insecure that she hates you hanging around females; instead, she hates the types of females you hang around—the incredibly vapid kind who are too concerned with looks instead of valuing genuine people and conversations. So from my understanding, if you like her, you and her are at an impasse. Either you have to conform and stop hanging around a lot of your friends that are girls, or she has to conform and deal with the fact that she doesn't like you hanging around certain girls. Or you don't get together, and that thought honestly doesn't make me happy. I see a side of myself in my friend that though she may not give the impression, she does want love, but we are both so cautious that we have to make sure the signs are there before we make a move. But I've learned that we can never be absolutely sure just from signs.

But that's the only way to ensure you don't end up heartbroken. Read between the lines. Look closely at everything they do and what they say. I still am careful about who I give my attention. Not my heart. My attention. Because I won't give them my heart until I know they want it.

So Aidan, thank you for teaching me about heartbreak. It has truly shaped me for the better.
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