Diary of a Homosexual

𝕃𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕠𝕟 4: 𝔻𝕠𝕟'𝕥 ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘𝕖 𝔽𝕠𝕣 𝕃𝕠𝕧𝕖 & 𝔻𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕊𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕝𝕖 𝔽𝕠𝕣 𝕀𝕥

"𝚈𝚘𝚞 𝚗𝚎𝚎𝚍 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚙𝚎𝚛𝚏𝚎𝚌𝚝."
~~~~~~~~~

Even though Aidan may have taught me that I don't need to care what other people think or change for them, I always felt that with you, Brandon, I needed to be the best. I needed to like what you like and be the definition of perfect because I thought if I were perfect, then you would like me. But that thought became almost like a need. I started to need to be better than you. I knew grades were the one thing I could dominate and impress you with, even though academics weren't important to you. Give me a quiz or a test, and I could score higher. This one time, I put you down for getting a B in one of your classes. I told you that you needed to work harder.

"Why did I say that?" I asked myself after our conversation. "It's not like me to be so... mean."

The fault lay solely with me. I told you that because I felt like you were catching up with me, and if you beat me in that, then I had nothing to impress you. My dad had also been putting a lot of pressure on me to achieve and maintain excellent grades. Not good, but perfect. It wasn't until I grew up that I understood just how much pressure that put me under to feel the need to succeed and fear failure constantly. Brandon, you had the body, you had the looks, and you had the attention. If I couldn't have that, you should let me keep my intelligence. I turned it into a competition because I felt insecure about myself and needed to know that I was at least bright and that no one could take that away from me. I hope you have forgotten about that moment because it wasn't my best moment, and as stupid and pathetic as it is, I still want you to put me on a pedestal because then I know that I'm at least at a level you aspire to be at someday. I sound self-centered, but I don't mean to be. You always used to say I was the smartest person you knew.

Keeping up with my need to be perfect for you, I was always looking for a way to lose weight. Maybe if I lost weight, you would date me, and I would be more well-liked. This was the start of my overwhelming struggle with body image.

"You need to lose weight."

"He won't even look at you that way at this size."

"You need to be perfect."

Brandon, I didn't want to lose weight just because of you. I'm uncomfortable at this size with or without you. You were just my motivation which set me up for failure because I was willing to suffer and be in agony to please you. But it was all in vain because losing the weight wouldn't have mattered because I can't change your sexuality. I tried the whole "Be comfortable with your weight." and "You're not fat. You're just big-boned." I hate when skinny people talk about how they wish they had our bigger butt or curves. Yeah, but you wouldn't want our extra fat in other places because then you're ugly. Having an ass and curves doesn't matter if you're fat. Boys won't look at you that way.

So my crush doesn't like me, and I'm ugly. What do I do? Consider my other options. There's at least one guy that likes me. He's not that bad in looks, intelligent and funny, and he seems to like me, so I'm in his league, but why don't I want him? I don't want to date him because I'm only dating him because you don't like me back. I've tried liking him that way, but I can never keep my attention on him. It constantly switches back to you, and I know that I shouldn't even get his hopes up if I'm not 100% into him because that ends up hurting him and causing unnecessary pain and misunderstanding.

So now I'm at a standstill. I can't be with you, and I can't be with anyone else. So what do I do? I guess I can't do anything until my circumstances change. I continued to like you, Brandon, and believe me, I tried liking boys other than the one that was at least interested in me. Still, through all of them, it felt like I was hitting a wall, and I was the only one trying to be at least friends, but either they were just not talkative, or they were shy. Then I would start wandering back to thoughts of you, Brandon. At that point, I knew I would hopelessly love you and either needed to get over you or be okay with things being like this.

I ended up doing both until finally, I was over you. I am happy you have Katalina because you obviously like her, and she definitely likes you. The question keeps turning in my mind, though. When do I get to be happy?

~~~~~~~~