2015
Power is only a matter of influence. Anyone that has influence has power. Money is not power, but influence is. If a person has influence, doesn’t matter how much money they’ve got in the pocket. Money buys influence. I was told this by my late grandmother who taught me many things about people. She told me that the people of the world do not care about the truth, they care about lies that comfort them. It’s easy to lie to a person that’s looking for empathy. Lies are believable to someone who doesn’t know the truth. As we get older, we learn. We learn that when we get tired, tired of being unappreciated, tired of being overlooked, tired of being unloved or under loved, that we do have the choice to either get smarter, or to be bitter and angry.
Always choose to get smarter, to do something different. Give to yourself what you were supposed to give yourself this entire time. Give yourself unconditional love, the compassion, the kindness, the forgiveness that you’ve given freely to everyone else but yourself. You’ve no control over what someone thinks of you, or who or how someone else loves you or whether they choose to show it or not. Be, do and give what you want and need from others to and for yourself first, so when that soul-stirring love does come along, it’s a totally a bonus to what and who you already are, who you always were. She’d say. My granny taught me so much in a single sentence than my mum has my entire life.
Beneath your burdensome regrets and who you think you are through the lens of past mistakes, there is someone beautiful who wants to emerge. You are not your mistakes, and your mistakes are not you. You are so much more than your mistakes. Allow your truth to emerge. Your truth cannot emerge buried under a mountain of guilt and regret. Your past is like a bag of bricks; set it down and walk away. Quit collecting every painful word, memory and mistake. Collect hope. Hope is lighter.
I’ve something to tell you, something very dearly to me. Something I never thought I’d share with anyone. But first, I need you to promise me that whatever we discuss here stays between us. Can you do that? Can I trust you with my secret? You won’t share with anyone, right? Truth is, I do want to tell you, really, but I feel like it’s too soon to do that. We hardly know each other. We’re merely strangers who’ve never met nor said a word to each other. So, how ‘bout we get to know each other first. I’ll start. My name’s Aona Kamva Buthelezi. I was born in Soshanguve block HH and raised in Tembisa (I am Xhosa), but now I’m located in Pretoria west. I moved down here right after I got myself a job at Iscope magazine. Before then, I stayed in Tembisa, ivory Park with my family. I’m working as a journalist and a junior editor. It’s not a high paying job; but it helps me survive.
I have a daughter, a very beautiful girl and she just turned eighteen today. We stay together, just the two of us. Her father and I had a fall out and it turned out very ugly for us, well, not necessarily ugly, but unresolvable. He was a big honest liar, but a very handsome and charming one. His lies ran through his provocative lips, he made me look like a bird endlessly flying towards desolated location, meaningless shit! Boys really know how to fool a girl. He was that kind of a man whom you wouldn’t give a chance to defend themselves because you know he’d lie his way out in a most beautiful way. There are lies that angers the heart, and the lies that comforts the heart, and he was good in the second one. OMG! I’ve a lot to say about him, but before I do that, you need to tell me who you are first. Your name, where you from, anything you feel like I should know about you. Or how about I create you in my mind. That will sound easy coz we don’t have to lie to one another, right? I will give you a name, a personality and a character. You’ll be my advisor when I need one. You’ll be in my mind when I need you. Which name do you prefer me calling you with? Let me think… how’s Jackson? But no, Jackson is white people’s name. Thapelo? Okay, I need a name that can fit both genders. How about ‘Amogelang’? Amo. Yeah, I think it’s a cool name, don’t you think? Your name means ‘Acceptance’ in English. Okay, now that we have a name, let me give you a personality. Well, you’re a straightforward talker, you take things personal and that’s because you care. You like your own space. You don’t drink, you don’t smoke. You have a sharp mind. You always give best advices. You don’t take no for an answer. A bit ignorant and rude, but kind. Got it? Now that we’ve established our relationship, let’s build our friendship and see where it leads us. But best believe, if you remain a good friend to me, I will tell you everything about my ex-boyfriend who left me with a child. I haven’t told my daughter anything about him because she just wasn’t ready to learn the truth, but now, I think it’s time she knows, isn’t it that right, Amo? I think she deserves to know the truth about her father, a man my heart loved truly. He was a man with many mistakes, but one thing, I know he loved me. People say you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Truth is, you knew what you had, you just never thought you’d lose it. The same love never comes twice.
