It was a cold morning of September 22nd, Monday. The leaves in trees blossomed beautifully. Nature was doing its course. The wind waved the leaves softly to bring warm weather in the surface of the earth. The sun had invited its cousins to fill the earth with warm light. The stars that shined upon the face of the earth. The moon that filled the earth with warm tropical sunlight. Mum and I laid on her bed reading a bible. My dad who had not been home since Sunday was not part of this beautiful atmosphere. The moon chased him away to make way for my mum and I to bond. He brings fury in the house when he's around.
I was still in a space of forgiving Lucas for all he's done. My mum taught me a lot about forgiveness. She told me that toxic forgiveness is an unhealthy way that people pretend to be unharmed, over it, or forgetful of the offence. Forgiving to keep the peace or people-pleasing is not healthy for your mental or your relationships. Take time to process your pain, slowly rebuild trust, and decide if you need to show up differently in the relationship. Forgiving and forgetting is not a realistic approach to moving forward. The path through trouble is always made a step at a time, a breath at a time, a day at a time. A bad day only lasts 24 hours. It's the darkness that enhances the value of light.06:30 I made my way out of my mum's room to my room just next door. I prepared myself for school and by 07:45 I was on my way.
Mondays were always long for me. I wasn't ready to see Miss Phongolo in her casual clothes. I walked slowly to my school, with my mind left at home cuddling with my mum. Before going to my class, first I went to Luyanda's class. I got to his class and found him laughing with his friends and he came to me when he saw me standing by the entrance. We walked outside and found ourselves a more private space."I was about to come to your class... and you beat me to it," he giggled."Yeah. We need to talk.""Okay, I'm listening...""I don't wanna be with you anymore," I said instantly and without feeling guilty."Wait, what do you mean – you don't want to be with me anymore? Are you breaking up with me?" his face changed to sour bitter."This is not working. We both can see this ain't working, so no need to pretend over it.""You can't break up with me, Aona. You just can't. Come here..." he dragged me to a more private space with just the two of us. "Why are you doing this? We're good, aren't we?""You don't love me, and believe me, I know you don't. Tell me what I am to you – a daybreak, a night hang out, a vacation, or a pincushion? Or tell me at least an explanation as to why you just reach out to me when your hoes leaves you or when you need someone to boost your ego. Are you in love with me? Or are you just in love with the idea that someone is willing to be a fool just for you?""I don't know what you're talking about. You know I love you for real. You know it. I'm not trying to use you as rebound or anything. Aona, I love you.""Thank you.""I love you very much.""Thank you very much." "I hope you find somebody better," I said moving away, leaving him standing alone."We've known each other too well that you almost memorize how I react to things," I stopped walking and he came to me. "...how I speak when I'm mad," he continued. "You know when I'm not in the mood to talk. You know me and you know exactly how to hurt me too. You know how to make me feel disappointed or how to make me feel weak. And is this your way of getting back at me? But for what reason, huh? I've done nothing wrong but love you. I hate that I love you," he added."I know I wasn't made for you and you're not meant for me. But it was nice meeting you in this timeline, in this lifetime, in this universe, and if multiverse does exist, I wish in one of those universes – at least one of those universes -, you're destined to be mine, but here, right now, we're not."When I got to class, I placed my books and sat quietly, and in less than five minutes, Miss Phongolo arrived wearing different this time. She was on heels and grey proxy wear tracksuits. Although it didn't look better on her, but it was better than seeing her in her uniform outfit.
It wasn't long until she suggested that we go to the field for fresh air. The excitement on our faces and our voices explained it all. We all left the class and headed to the field.We did our exercises and in thirty minutes, another group of students joined us. I looked to see which class was it and it was the next door class. I went far alone in the field and made myself comfortable on the rock. You see, I usually find myself alone or among strangers when I'm hurt, because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad things that happened to me. I've realized that I cannot heal from the same company of people that hurt me. So I need to change my environment to heal. As I was busy chilling, I saw Lucia approaching me. Okay fuck. I didn't want anything to do with her. My mum's words played in my mind. You must forgive people, not because they deserve it, but because you do. I still didn't like what she did, but it was water under bridge. I cannot change what happened, but I can change how I respond.I watched her from close range as she was approaching and she was getting cuter. I'm not sure if she was bathing with Math or (chemistry chemicals). I almost laughed at her sudden change, not because it was bad, but because it was strange.She finally reached me and asked to join me and I nodded with just my head and we shared a rock. I kept my head forward to the other learners."You find it boring being around people sometimes, neh?" she said with her voice down."Yeah," I replied with my voice down like I was being forced to speak."Me too," she paused and we both looked at the boys playing soccer from a distance. "Look, I came here to apologize. I know I messed up and I'm sorry," she paused. "In my world, when a friend needs a help, I help them, and that's what I did for Luke.""Strange world you live in, that you lie and humiliate your friends. In my world, when someone does that, it shows disloyalty," I paused. "And in my world, we forgive people who've wronged us," I said and picked myself up and took two steps away. I didn't even bother to listen to her reply. I said what I needed to say and I was done.Ten steps down my walk, she called out my name and I stopped, and looked back. She got up from the rock and came closer to me."If you value the time you had with Lucas, you'll go see him. He'd be very happy to see you," she said and walked away, and stopped again. "I'd do that early if I were you." She continued to walk away and I was left standing alone; angry and confused. I was angry at the fact that she had a nerve to guilt trip me after everything she had done. I was confused that she behaved strange. I hadn't spoken to Lucas since that day he came to my place and I had already deleted his numbers long before then. I must admit, I still loved and cared for him. I missed him a lot. There was already this big gap between us, like parallel lines sitting just few units from each other, coexisting but not living together and together but not together. I missed all of those memories I shared with him, the smiles, how he used to make me laugh; the moments we shared together when he helped me with school work. Our first kiss at Mathebula spaza-shop. His kiss made me feel like it was my first time being kissed. I reminisced all of this whilst still standing alone in the field. I watched her from distance walking away and I couldn't help but think of what she said. This was the strangest conversation I've ever had with her.When after school arrived, I told Sizwe that I needed to go see Lucas as instructed by Lucia. He told me I should not go to him. If Lucas really loved me he would've made efforts to come see me or he could've phoned me. A part of me agreed with him, but my other ear was deaf to listen to his truth. I told him it's not what the other person does to make the relationship work, but what you do. I'm not sure if he understood, but he offered to accompany me, and I told him I needed to do this alone.
