Two weeks passed and things at the camp remained the same. I did the same routine over and over. My life became a loop. I woke up, did my bed, prayed, went to class, met with Lucas (Thursdays and Fridays), and then sleep. They say if you do one thing for over twenty-one days, that thing becomes a habit. I got used to doing one thing repeatedly that I began enjoying the routine, except for the part that I pretended to enjoy Lucas' company. Lucas and I started seeing each other more frequently than I had anticipated. We emerged in a routine of studying together. Every late afternoon of Thursday and Friday, we met in a hall to study, just the two of us. During that time we spent together, I learnt few things about him that made me change my mind about him, not entirely though, just a bit. We had just finished revising Biology when he shared me his childhood tale. He mentioned a few things about his life that really touched me. When he was three years, his mum was diagnosed with cancer and she died seven years later when he was ten. His father abandoned him just few months after his mum's burial. He said he tried looking for him in every corner of the world, but there was no sign of him. His uncle took him in and that's when he relocated to Tembisa, from Free State. When he told me his tale, I noticed he was holding back his tears. He was under the 'indoda ayikhali syndrome,' a phrase men use when they don't want to express their feelings. This syndrome has killed many men who thought they were strong. Most men think it makes them weak if they show their emotions, more especially in front of a woman. They grow with this mentality that men are strong and brave. I've seen the most powerful and strong men fall because of this. I've seen families collapse because of strong men. I've seen wives unhappy because of strong men. I've seen the worse in men due to this syndrome. The irony in this is that, women are also called 'imbokodos,' (Rocks) which I think is another meaning for umfazi uyabekezela. This is just another word for 'indoda ayikhali' if you think about it. Also, women are taught to be strong at a very young age. They're taught to 'bekezela' for nonsense. I really don't understand the obsession people have with acting strong when life is fucking them. Where did you get the idea that you should not react to pain? The very same people who tell you to be strong, are the very same ones who'll watch your casket go down; your body six feet under. The same people who'll tie a rope on a roof. People don't kill themselves because they want to, they kill themselves because their souls have had enough. When the soul is hurt, the body is of no help; the body becomes useless. That's why it's easy for a person to kill their body when they're heartbroken. A body means nothing when a person's soul is hurt. When you feel so lost that you can't even utter words, don't be afraid to cry. Let your tears speak up to what you really feel. Crying won't make you less a human, remember that. Speak to someone. You have to accept that not all of your days will be calm and normal, there'll be very tough days, there'll be times you will be pushing so hard to keep moving. There'll be moments of excessive tire, the attacks of missing someone you love, the hurtful words you may hear unexpectedly. The cruel questions you blame yourself with. That sudden awaken of old scar. Those days the whole world couldn't feel the void you feel. You know deeply there will be days all you can do is pray they pass, and hope tomorrow will be better. When days like this come, please don't end your life. Everyone goes through this stage of sadness. Good days ends, and so are bad days. Lucas said something like; the circumstances we face are the results of our actions. Sometimes his words were right. I'm saying 'sometimes' because I didn't agree with him in most cases. He said once, the relationship between Rose and Jack was doomed to end. He continued and said, the only reason we love Jack and Rose's relationship is because we saw the end of it, but what if we didn't? What if there was no end of it? What if Jack had survived the Titanic sink? Do you think their relationship would've survived for another year? Rose was so bored with her life that she needed distraction and it happened that Jack was close by. She saw Jack as someone whom she could have fun with. What future can you possibly have with a broke gambler when you're used to soft life. In reality, it doesn't work like that. We date on standards. He said. I agree with him, but real love does not need a reason to survive.
