a proposal, of sorts. ✔️

fifteen

My restraint snaps, stinging as I follow the familiar footsteps to Rylan's room. My vision slants with cherry whiskey I can still taste on my lips, but I manage the stumbles to her doorstep.

Three knocks, the splintered wood hard against my unadorned knuckles. I had abandoned my wedding band just before I had confronted Trystan, the weight around my finger constricting and anchoring.

She doesn't answer. The early morning hours remind me that she could be sleeping. I knock again, greed feeding my selfishness. Quickly this time, to match the pounding of my heart. I can't hear her footsteps through the door so my hand is still raised when she pulls it open.

"Seryn?" Her question isn't groggy with sleep.

"Rylan," I breathe out. There's rust on my tongue; I came here with a spiel but all words seem to have abandoned me.

She drags a hand through her hair, a frown resting on her lips. "Why are you here?"

It's a good question. It's been weeks and everything between us feels too late to say. "I don't know."

"Seryn, I can't do this," she answers, fresh pain streaking across her tone and her face.

I need to give her a response or she'll close the door between us. "I missed you. I miss you with every heartbeat."

It takes her a moment to reply. "That can't change anything." I can see the defeat in her eyes and the cruelty of my actions slam against me all together.

"You're right," I concede, but my selfishness urges me to continue. "But I need you."

"No. No, you don't," she argues. Anger tilts into her expression. "You have Trystan as your companion now."

I flinch at the memories she evokes. "I don't have Trystan as anything."

She must see some misplaced emotion in my face because her own contorts. "You come to me about heartbreak over another?"

My mouth dries. "I am not heartbroken over Trystan Davenport."

"Your lies aren't convincing to me," she seethes, the violence of her words foreign.

"I couldn't feel anything for Trystan because my heart is beholden to only you. You fill its every chamber. Completely." My words sound hollow in the face of her anger.

"I saw the way he held you at the party. I saw the way he ran after you to comfort you. I saw the way you accepted it."

"It means nothing," I echo. "You mean everything."

"If you loved me the way I loved you, you wouldn't have married someone else while I was gone. You wouldn't have married someone for money." Her words cut deep enough to leave red scores across my chest.

My eyes drift past her body, revealing her bed in her distress. A bag laid, half packed in a hurry.

"You're leaving?" I try not to let the betrayal break into my expression.

I don't look away from the bag.

"Yes. Captain Reed has received a navy contract for a year. She asked me to be her first mate."

"Wow." I want to tear into my chest and rip my heart out. I say the words before I can stop myself. "And what if I asked you to stay?"

    Her mouth is open, and I can tell I've torn at wounds that had just begun to scab over.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I-" I gulp "-I wish you the best. First mate. That's incredible."

"I can't stay, Seryn. I can't stay and watch you with him." Her response blurs into the pounding in my head. I nod indecipherably and stumble away, vomit crawling up my throat. There's nothing more to do now other than to hate myself.