Dog Days

54 ~ collapse

I ARRIVED HOME AT DAWN.

I didn't want to leave Kara alone and come back here, home, the place that lost its previous meaning for me after everything that had happened.

Home wasn't a place. I always thought it was because I didn't have anyone in my life that made me feel at home. So, when I rented this place, I called it home. I cried here, laughed here, talked to the dull cremé walls from time to time, and told them about my dreams, my ambitions, my fears, my desires. They became better and more loyal friends than most people in my life because most of the time I only needed someone to listen to me without judgment or interruption.

Because everyone can find the right way for them only if they talk it out. Don't the greatest sins stem from hidden insecurities or deepest misunderstandings? Aren't villains the outcast, neglected, and misunderstood kids of society?

Stepping into the foyer, dim-lit by the moonlight reflecting from the windows of my living room, I emptied my pockets to the hall stand as quietly as possible and tossed my sneakers on the mat at the corner. Sauntering in the house, I first went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water. I leaned against the counter, slowly sipped on water, and contemplated over my dizzy head, whether it was from love or lack of sleep. I didn't want to sleep all night while Kara was sleeping soundly in my arms.

A gut feeling rushed through me as if the end of the world was nearing and I had to seize that moment with Kara. I knew we had forever together, but it was like knocking on the wood. Even if you don't believe it works, you'll do it anyway to be on the safe side.

The glass of water helped with my dry throat, but somehow, I felt even dizzier.

I headed to the living room instead of my room. I found Mila there, sitting in the dark on the couch with her look focused on a point. She looked like she was out of a horror movie — she scared the fuck out of me.

"What the fuck, Mila," I hissed.

"You're late." She didn't lift her head to look toward me, remaining in her position.

"Did you wait for me?" I slumped on the opposite couch, throwing my head back. "You didn't have to." I closed my eyes, feeling more tired gradually. Maybe I should have gotten back to my bed, but now, I didn't even have the energy to move.

Though my eyes were closed, I felt her gaze toward me now. "Did you break up with her?" When I remained silent, she said, "Kara." I could tell it pained her to pronounce Kara's name.

I didn't know what she wanted me to do, but it was bizarre if she thought her threat would scare me off.

"Austin," she tried, her voice faltering. "Answer me."

"I didn't," I murmured with the last bit of energy in me. "I won't."

"You'll propose to her, won't you? I saw the ring in your drawer."

"Are you going through my stuff?" I asked, opening my eyes to look at her. "Don't do that again. Ever."

Mila didn't seem threatened by me. She looked at me with wet eyes, as if she was disappointed in me. Then, I noticed the tiny box in her hands. She took the ring. I wanted to lean forward and take it from her hands, but I couldn't. My body was so heavy in a way that I couldn't carry it anymore.

"I proposed to her," I said instead. "She accepted. We're going to marry. You can't do anything about it."

Mila folded her arms and leaned back. "I warned you. Both of you. I asked nicely." I didn't understand what she was trying to say — my head was foggy like I had drank a gallon of alcohol, and at this point, I didn't think insomnia did this to me. "It didn't have to be this way, you know. I'm not a bad person, Austin. I'm not evil — like she said."

I said that she'd done bad things, and though I knew she wasn't evil-hearted, doing bad things made her a bad person. But I didn't know if I really said these out loud or if it was in my head. Parting my lips was like carrying lifts now, so heavy.

Am I stoned? How? I didn't eat or drink—water?

"But I can't lose you. You're all I have." She sniffed, wiping off her nose on her sleeve. "Jared dumped me." Her laugh was broken. "He called me toxic and problematic — people nowadays don't appreciate love, Austin. When you're in love, they call you obsessed and a psycho." What did you do? "Fuck him."

Don't do this, Mila.

"Anyway, then it dawned on me. Our parents were the worst kind. You abandoned me, too. Everyone who was supposed to love me unconditionally kicked me off at the given chance. But I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone."

You need help.

"So, I thought to myself, I don't need a fucking boyfriend or husband or whatever. I don't want that. I want my family to love me — I need you to love me. You know what, you owe me, Austin. I waited for you for years when you went to boarding school and college. I waited for you to return home for me. You never did. You should've. It was your duty as a brother to save me. I gave you a chance to prove your loyalty, to be a true brother as you should be. But you picked that filth over me again.

"Don't think of this as a punishment — it is a rehab, a detox. You should've picked my side instead of hers, but you didn't. I can't let her marry you and steal you away from me. Can't you see that she only wants you to get her revenge from me? She knows how much I love you and like always, she wants to leave me out of the picture. She took Lucas. She wants to take you away, too. But I'm not that naive girl anymore. I won't let her ruin my life again."

I was motionless as a frame on the wall, or the wall itself. Mila was pouring her hatred on me, and I had no choice but to let her. I couldn't shut down my mind not to hear her, but I wasn't strong enough to go against her, either. I couldn't tell her that she was unfortunate to be a part of the broken Mayer family and that she was right I left her behind. For that, I was always going to be sorry. But I was just fifteen and I wanted to leave that house badly. I couldn't come back because the burdens of our family weighed more than anything.

I never thought she was troubled, growing into an obsessive human being, harming and traumatizing others. I never thought she'd be so evil that she could force another innocent girl out of her hometown. I didn't know my parents were so blind to see her situation or neglected her so much.

I'm sorry, Mila, for letting you turn into the monster you are.

"You and I, brother, against the world."

Then, the world collapsed on me.