Ghost - [SEUNGJIN]

2

I know you crossed a bridge that I can't follow

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Seungmin woke up with a sore arm from the weird position he had fallen asleep in, and though he could barely move the limb, as soon as he realized why he woke up, he closed his eyes immediately and buried his head on that same arm again.

"Up.", Minho slapped his butt under the covers. "Time to eat. I'm going to go wake Innie up and if I don't see both of your lazy asses in the kitchen in ten I will come here and drag you myself."

Seungmin whined. "I'll lock the door."

"I'll break it, then." The older smiled creepily. "Ten minutes."

And then he was gone, and Seungmin was left turning in his bed again, finally unfolding the arm and letting it rest next to his body.

He scrunched his nose at the smell that came through the opened door, whatever Minho had cooked for lunch smelt great, and Seungmin hated the way his stomach turned, begging him to get up and go eat.

No way in hell. He was too fat.

The second youngest member of Straykids got up and headed to the bathroom, not bothering to acknowledge the four people that didn't live in that dorm already there, as if they would die if they didn't have a meal all together while they were out of promotions. He closed the bathroom door and turned the water on, splashing his face with the cold, hoping it would wake him up a bit.

He had so much to do that day.

Go to the gym.

He sighed at the thought. His legs still hurt from the day before, but if he stopped even one day, there was no way he could go back to it. And he needed the exercise.

He headed to the kitchen again, letting Chan ruffle his hair and finding Felix standing there, doing his best to ignore both the boy and the tray of food he was moving around, Seungmin begged his own stomach to make no noise, he knew that as soon as someone realized he was hungry they would make sure to stuff him with food.

Did they want him to get even fatter?

He took a water bottle out of the fridge, opening it and drinking like his life depended on it.

"Hey hey, Minnie, easy there." Felix chuckled, pulling the half empty bottle away from the guy. "We're having lunch if you drink to much water you'll get full and then you won't be able to eat properly."

That's the point.

He smiled. "Right, of course. Sorry, Lix."

All that was left for him to do was to go sit in the living room with the others, maybe he could tell them he was indisposed... he would tell me he had a late night snack but he knew damn well they would notice nothing was gone from the kitchen.

He threw himself to the sofa, not caring who he landed next to, and massaged his temples.

What was he going to do?

Usually skipping lunch was easy, he just had to sleep in, but sometimes Minho had the terrible idea of waking them up and this happened.

He started fiddling with his fingers.

He couldn't eat. He had been doing so well those past few days.

Seungmin almost jumped as he felt something warm wrap around his hands, turning to see the long haired with a small smile on his face.

"You okay?"

He nodded immediately, knowing Hyunjin wouldn't fall for it, but he also couldn't bring himself to not lie for once. It was a recorded reaction for him.

So Hyunjin simply sighed, moving their hands so that he could interlock their fingers and pulled Seungmin's head against his chest, as they were both half sitting half laying on the couch.

Seungmin hated it that Hyunjin knew. He hated that he could see how ridiculous he was trying to lose fat, because at least the others pretended they didn't notice how fat he was instead of trying to convince him he was not, like Hyunjin.

But he also found comfort in the boy, way too much to try and push him away, so they lived in that silent promise, that unspoken deal.

It made it harder to Seungmin sometimes, he wanted to be as skinny as Hyunjin, as beautiful as him. So when they sat at the table that day he made sure to smile and talk to everyone, he made sure to take his fork to his mouth but never let himself eat.

And if anyone else noticed besides Hyunjin, no one said anything.

So that night, after managing to skip dinner by staying at the gym, and hating himself for having to eat half an apple on the way, since his vision was getting blurry, he entered the bathroom to finally have a warm bath.

Felix, Jeongin and Minho were already in their rooms, so he could take as long as he wanted without anyone bothering him.

He stripped out of his clothes and stared at the mirror for a few seconds, not capable of looking for a long period of time since he felt terrible.

His bones were seen easy to see through skin, but not easy enough, his stomach was flat, but not enough, his arms were thin, but not thin enough. His skin was pale, more than usual, and his hair seemed to fall more easily, and Seungmin knew it was not a good sign.

In fact Seungmin knew deep down he was not actually gaining fat, he could see that he was losing it, he could see how fragile his body had became.

And that's what messed him up the most. What made him feel even more terrible.

He knew people with eating disorders usually thought they were fat, which was why they did all of that to themselves, while his brain seemed to be divided, two voices screaming the exact opposite to him.

You're fat.

You're too thin.

Stop eating.

Eat something.

You're disgusting.

You're disgusting.

He starved himself still, no matter which voice he chose to hear, but he knew. He knew he was sick.

Seungmin sighed and got into the shower, letting the water caress his broken body, not allowing the tears that prickled his eyes to fall down, all the guilt he felt everyday crushing his heart.

Seungmin knew he was sick. But not sick enough.

—————

Reminder for this chapter is that eating disorders can look perfectly healthy.

Not everyone who has an ed is thin.

Not everyone who has an ed don't eat/barely eat.

Not everyone who has an ed thinks they are fat.

I feel like the notes of this book will mostly be these reminders, but I think these are things that need to be said once in a while, to make sure we remember them.