Ghost - [SEUNGJIN]

3

Since the love that you left is all that I get
I want you to know

—————

Dance practices could be hell for him, the blurry vision made it hard to concentrate and get the steps right, and then the guilty feeling of making his team fall behind did terrible things to Seungmin's brain.

It was currently time to pack and go back to the dorm, and he was waving at the youngest member, who jumped behind Chan trying to convince the older to order sushi, wandering how much time the excuse of wanting to practice by himself for a while would work.

How long until his phone rang and his members asked him to come home?

Seungmin hated how careful they were, though he could not blame them, with everything they had been through those last few years. Chan always made sure everyone got their turn to speak, and managed to hear every single one of them. Changbin was the first one to notice when someone seemed down, and Minho had developed a weird talent to know when people were lying, which made Seungmin almost scared of being in the same room as the male.

And yet, even with how careful they were, Seungmin seemed to be slipping through their fingers, line a ghost.

And he couldn't complain. He was thankful they were so focused on avoiding one of the other situations to happen in someone else in that group, and even more thankful that that stoped them from seeing the problem.

"What are you doing here?"

His head snapped around at the taller, smiling a bit as Hyunjin closed the door behind him, walking up the couch where Seungmin was sat.

"I messed up the choreography."

"And? You're punishing yourself by staring at the mirror all night? Waiting for it to talk back at you?"

The taller smiled playfully, dropping his bag and sitting next to the younger, who pulled his sleeves down to his hands and cleared his throat.

"You don't need to stay here."

"I know. I was going to leave but you seemed so into your own thoughts.", Hyunjin raised his hand to slowly get a few strands of hair away from Seungmin's forehead, not worried about the sweat that covered them and glued them to his skin. "What were you thinking about?"

Seungmin shrugged. They never talked about it, not really.

Not that Seungmin wanted to talk to anyone about it.

"Things, life."

The taller hummed, lazily bumping their heads. "I'm sleepy."

"Me too.", he whispered back. Immediately they changed their position in the sofa, Hyunjin laying back and Seungmin against him, head buried in his neck.

"But we need to go home and have dinner."

"Just a few minutes." Seungmin whispered, hands clutching the taller's shirt. "Please."

Hyunjin kissed his forehead in a familiar gesture, and Seungmin gulped, closing his eyes fiercely.

Hyunjin was his bestfriend, he had been for ages, and this was normal for them. They would sleep together a lot before, enjoying the heat, that was before Seungmin realized how disgusting his body was, and decided to keep the taller away.

It was bad enough that he had to look at his skinny but toned body everyday, wishing that was him. Wishing he could be just like Hyunjin.

He couldn't let the long haired see his body.

Which was why he grabbed the older's hand as it slowly made it's way inside Seungmin's baggy shirt. His head perked up, and their eyes met.

"Please don't."

Hyunjin pouted. "But you're warm."

Seungmin almost smiled at that, sighing and dropping his head to the taller's chest again.

"I don't want you to feel my fat."

"W-what?" Hyunjin pushed his head up, eyes widened at a red Seungmin. "What did you say? What fat? Seungmin what-"

"Please don't, okay? I know you're trying to help but I know I'm fat and I need-"

"Seungmin." Hyunjin cupped his face strongly, forcing the younger to look at him. "You are far from fat, what are you talking about?"

The younger felt tears prickle his eyes once again, hating himself for being such a sensitive person. Such a needy one too.

Such a liar. Why did he say that? He knew he wasn't fat, why was he trying to get Hyunjin's attention so bad when he wouldn't prefer the older didn't even know?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry you can... you can put your hands i-"

"Seungmin."

"Not today." He begged, eyes closed as the older embraced him closer. "I can't have this talk today."

Hyunjin felt the tears against his shoulder, moving a bit in the sofa so that they were closer, and carefully lifted his shirt, one of his hands caressing the younger's bare skin in his back, feeling Seungmin relax to the touch, he closed his eyes, both falling into a deep slumber.

Seungmin could feel every single beat of Hyunjin's heart.

And Hyunjin could feel every single of of Seungmin's ribs.

—————

The reminder for this chapter is that people who suffer from mental disorders trying to get attention from someone is not a pick me behavior, neither it makes the disease any less real.

Sick and tired of hearing people saying people who show their scars/share their thought just want attention.

If you're struggling alone and you finally feel like telling someone about it, finally CAN talk about it and want to let it out, that's brave.

Never be ashamed of wanting someone to know what you're going through. Never invalidate your own struggles because you feel the need to show them to someone. Never even consider that you're faking it to have people pay attention to you.

If it happens when you're alone too you're not faking it.

It's not pick me behavior it's a cry for help.