Ghost - [SEUNGJIN]

5

And if you can't be next to me
Your memory is ecstasy
I miss you more than life

—————

There were things Seungmin missed more than life, more than anything at all.

He missed going out for dinner with his friends, with Straykids and old friends from school, without fearing the food they would chose. He missed waking up early and seeing Chan going to bed, he missed his morning walks with Felix and Jeongin, before he started sleeping in so he could skip that one meal easily. He missed going grocery shopping with Hyunjin and Changbin, but he could not bear the sight of all that food, all those calories in the shelves. He missed going with Minho and Jisung to their favorite ice cream shop, but he couldn't eat anything sweet, scared he would go back to eating a lot.

He missed the feeling of freedom he had before, before he got used to having an empty stomach.

But he couldn't do anything about it, sacrifices had to be made, and he was way too far from his goal yet.

He knew he was losing weight, he knew he was sick but somehow none of it felt enough. No matter how many times he fainted alone in the dorm, when he woke up all he could think about was how weak he was to do that. He couldn't even go a day without eating completely and he was surprised he was not loosing weight?

Water. He didn't drink enough iced water that day, that was the issue.

This was the first thought that popped into Seungmin's mind as he woke up, groaning and moving around, only to realize there was something soft under him.

The next thing he realized was that there was too much light in the room.

He carefully opened his eyes, looking at a white ceiling, and his heart sank.

No.

"W-what-"

"Minnie Hyung!",  Jeongin appeared by the side of his bed, eyes swollen and red, clear tear stains still half dried in his face. "You're awake!"

Seungmin's wanted to punch himself. He reached out to grab the younger's hand, memories flushing through his brain, seeing Jeongin's hair jumping messily in his head as he recalled the youngest member running to him on the living room.

He closed his eyes.

How could he do that to him? Worry him that way.

"I'm so sorry-"

"You have nothing to apologize for.", Jeongin's voice was clear, his tone assertive. "You need to rest for a while, Channie and Hyunjin Hyung are outside talking to the doctor."

That should have made Seungmin panic even more, but he was too focused on the boy in front of him to even think properly.

The first thing he saw was the swollen face, of course, but there was something in his teary eyes that made the older sight.

Jeongin was growing.

And Seungmin was loosing it.

He had been too caught up on his own problems, too busy counting calories to be able to go out and take him shopping, too busy exercising to have his movie nights with him. He was too busy to pay attention to his younger brother, and now he had grown, and Seungmin had missed it.

This thought alone made Seungmin break, tears flooding down his face as the door opened, the leader entering followed by the long haired. As soon as they realized it, Hyunjin was next to him, hands pushing Seungmin's ones away from his face as he cleaned the rivers of tears.

"Min, hey, baby?", the younger could only cry, gripping Jeongin's hand as the leader embraced him, whispering softly into his ear words that Seungmin couldn't understand.

He missed his members, he missed his friends, he missed having control over his life and yet, what really made him sad, was that not even that made him want to get better.

—————

Seungmin had fallen asleep again, not even giving the doctor time to talk as he had entered the room. They had decided it was for the best, letting him rest, so the man brought both the leader and Hyunjin outside again, and Jeongin decided to stay with Seungmin, laying his head on the bed next to him and following the other into a deep slumber.

Chan sighed as Hyunjin closed the door, both turning to the man.

"As I was saying, he needs to stay here for a while. I don't trust his mental health to let him have an easy recovery.", he had a serious face, but Chan could hear the softness in his voice. "I will leave you guys now."

Chan barely heard him say he would come by later to check on them, he let his back fall against a wall and dropped his head back, hoping to not start crying again.

Hyunjin simply stared at his feet, not knowing what to expect.

"How did I not notice? Again?", his voice was shaking, and Hyunjin could only sight at the question.

"It's not your responsibility to take care of all of us, even though you are the leader. You help everyone as much as you can, it's not your fault he was good at hiding it."

Chan shook his head.

"You noticed."

"I did. But I didn't notice Jeongin, nor Changbin for quite a while." He shrugged. "I had no idea Jisung and Minho were mad either, and yet you were one of the first people to know each and every single one of those." Hyunjin pushed himself of the wall, settling in front of Chan and forcing the older to meet his eyes. "You have a lot on your hands, too much on your brain and 7 idiots screaming and running around all day." the taller high fived himself as the leader let a laugh out. "So stop blaming yourself for our problems. Everyone is going through something and you're not obligated to see all of our struggles."

Chan threw his head back again, to try and stop the tears from coming, but it did no good.

"I hate you, Hwang Hyunjin." he laughed, the tears falling harder.

The taller shrugged, smiling as he pulled the leader into his arms, hugging him close.

"Someone had to tell you this. I guess it's my time to notice your struggles."

—————

Reminder for the chapters is that no disorder affects only what it focuses on. Everything is connected.

Alexa play Mixtape: Time out