the doctor will never forget rose. not really. and though he may not speak of her, or let himself be as sad as he once was, he remembers her. even hundreds and thousands and millions and billions of years later.
the doctor will move on, not because...
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"a soldier knows another soldier, he'll smell it on you smell it on you a mile off." the doctor felt himself stop in his tracks.
he froze up at the man's words.
"and wouldn't he smell it on you doctor?" the man had no idea what that triggered inside of the doctor.
a soldier.
the word soldier flashes through his mind. he can't help but let himself be flooded with emotions he often didn't let himself feel.
his children of time, as davros called them so long ago.
donna.
martha.
jack.
mickey.
sarah jane.
and rose.
he had made them soldiers. they had to fight.
martha jones, who spent a whole year of her life protecting the earth at any cost. who now worked for an organization whose only purpose was to save the earth.
donna noble, who had given up all her memories in order to save the world. who could never remember him or what she had done to protect the universe and every living thing in it.
jack, who would never die now because of his fight against the daleks, and mickey who had been the furthest thing from a fighter when they had first met.
and rose.
rose marion tyler.
everything he had done, everything he had been as the man that once knew her had been to protect her.
he made the choices so she didn't have to.
but no matter how hard he had tried, he wasn't able to protect her forever.
rose tyler, defender of the earth. the bad wolf.
his rose.
and now she was gone, she'd never be coming back to him, and here he stood.
a soldier. making tough calls.
but this time, there was no rose for him to protect. - "there is something left for you skaldak." the doctor's voice was pleading. "mercy."
he wasn't always sure of himself, especially not when he was facing an enemy who could kill everyone in the general vicinity.
the doctor found it increasingly harder to show mercy as the days went by.
the days without his rose.
rose had showed him mercy. she had showed him how to show mercy and how to forgive.
for so long, the doctor has been angry at himself.
he couldn't forgive himself for how the time war had ended, how he'd killed them all.
she showed him how to forgive himself. when he was able to forgive himself, he could focus on helping others again.
rose showed him how to be a doctor again.
and now, as he stood in front of the creature that could wipe them all out, he remembered.
he remembered how to show mercy, and how to forgive. he remembered how hard it was to learn to forgive.
and he remembered the woman who taught him how.
his rose. - "you would sacrifice yourself?" the doctor didn't even hesitate to answer this time.
"in a heartbeat." and he knew it was true.
he didn't want to sacrifice clara or anyone else, but himself? he'd give his own life up to save theirs in a heartbeat.
he knew that it was wrong, the doctor knew feeling that way was wrong.
and he knew that if anyone ever asked him why he was so reckless, he wouldn't be able to tell them the truth.
'i don't deserve to live.' he thought to himself. his eyes welled up with tears. 'not when i couldn't protect her.'
it felt stupid to him, really. he felt so selfish for still only thinking of rose.
but he couldn't stop.
he had amy and rory, and now he had clara, and everything he did was still for rose.
he didn't want to be without her, and now he'd never be with her again.
'i suppose that's what i deserve.' he chuckled bitterly to himself. 'after everything i've done, my punishment is a life without rose tyler.'
even after all this time, the doctor was still thinking of her.
