Every Autumn Fall (Youthful Series 1)

Chapter 21: Before You Go

A few months ago.

I already knew that Mauv wants to leave the province. Matagal ko na itong nalaman, pero wala akong magawa kung 'di hintayin siya na magdesisyon tungkol dito.

Pero kahit anong desisyon na gagawin niya, ayokong maging dahilan para maging hadlang sa mga pangarap niya. I know how he always dreamt of seeing his book one day, published in a bookstore or in a library. Most of the time, nahihirapan siyang magsulat dahil sa dinami-daming scenarios na pumipigil sa kaniya. Pero kung makakapagfocus siya dito, sigurado akong mararating niya rin ang lahat ng pinapangarap niya.

Naglilinis ako ng kuwarto ni Mauv ng makita ko ang mga white envelopes na nakasiksik sa kaniyang journal. That's when I knew that he turned down the offer from all the universities that he applied in Manila, because he finally chose staying here.

Akala ko magiging masaya ako dahil nandito siya, na kasama ko siya, at na hindi kami magkakahiwalay. Akala ko ganoon lang kadali ang lahat ng iyon. Pero mas nahihirapan pa pala siya lalo. Pero hindi ako nakielam, ayokong pilitin siya na umalis or mag-stay. Nandito lang ako sa kaniyang tabi at sinusoportahan bawat galaw niya at hinihintay ang mga desisyong ginagawa niya.

Hanggang sa tuluyan niya na ngang napagdesisyonan ang pagbabago ng course niya. Mahirap ang desisyong ginawa niya, hindi lang para sa magulang niya pero para na rin sa sarili niya.

"Nandito lang ako lagi," I assured him when he was having a hard time confessing about it. And that's what I truly did, I stayed with him through his hardest times.

But a part of myself tells me how I want him to stay, I needed him more than anyone. I feel like when he'll leave, he will be gone forever, like, it's hard to tell whether our relationship will still work despite the distance that we have. How can I be so selfish for his own good, right?

More than I want him to stay, the least that I can do is to support him. Because that's what we are, we love each other, so we support each other. Madaling isipin at sabihin pero hirap 'kong gawin.

"Everything will be okay, Cali," he said before he enters the train.

During the whole week of Christmas break, I created plans. Gumawa ako ng mga paraan kung papaano kaming hindi mawawalan ng contact sa isa't isa. Hindi siya mahilig sa social media at mga kung ano-ano pang applications sa phone, kaya gumawa ako ng mga account niya na puwede niyang gamitin. Pwede kaming magtawagan araw-araw, magkamessage para mag-update sa araw namin. Kukunin ko rin ang school schedule niya kapag magsisimula na ang academic year, para mamonitize ko ang oras niya ng pagkain at malaman ko kung kelan kami puwedeng makapag-usap. I'll also visit him at least once a month kung kaya ng schedule naming dalawa. Gagawin ko ang lahat para lang maramdaman niya na walang kilometrong distansya sa aming pagitan.

March became an exhausting month for us. I already finished all my applications and I'm ready for class this upcoming year. Though, I'm not really ready to let Mauvi go. But time always moves quickly, especially in those moments when you want days to move slowly. If only I could stop time.

"I don't know bro, hindi rin madali 'yang ganiyan," Vin said as the three of us eats at a diner near the uni. "New university means new life, he might find another guy there. Hindi mo masasabi na ipagpapalit ka lang pala sa malapit."