Coyote

Chapter 17: In The Jaws Of Defeat

Allow me to formally introduce myself. My name is McGregor Rogers, but most people call me Mr. Rogers. William originally wrote this chapter, but his publisher thought it would be best if I wrote about my own experience being kidnapped. There's just something you miss out on if you weren't there, and I tell the story so elegantly. So, after being promised some considerable monetary incentives, I agreed to lend my incredible literary voice to this otherwise failing project and write a chapter for the good of everyone.

A lot of people will tell you I'm mean, but that isn't the case. They just can't take my valid and necessary criticisms. For example, I don't like William's ears because they're too pointy. Is that mean, or just an astute observation and expression of my feelings? Am I not allowed to express myself?

But moving on, I woke up in an old, abandoned house in the middle of a forest. I don't remember going to sleep, but at my age I don't remember much. I think I ate a sandwich for lunch today, but I can't be sure. It was either a sandwich or a tossed salad with some light croutons and a vinaigrette dressing. Or a fish. Or maybe it was a cat? Who knows? Point is...umm...always keep an eye on your wallet, and don't jaywalk on a Tuesday. Is that what we were talking about?

Oh, my kidnapping, yes. I wasn't quite successful at my first kidnapping attempt. My victim was about two and a half meters tall and extremely muscular...oh you mean when I was kidnapped? Not when I allegedly committed a crime that has yet to be confirmed in court and that my lawyer told me in no uncertain terms to not bring up of my own free will to anyone? Oh okay, sure I can talk about that if you want.

That Lulu person had one of her goons cut through the fence and nab me right before I could take a nap. We had just gone through a grueling training regiment that Kai designed just so she could torture us. That kid really doesn't respect her elders who just want to sleep. I ain't no spring chicken. I woke up on the rotting floorboards of the abandoned house and began to sneeze. It was very dusty you see, and my sinuses act up when I'm breathing in that much dust. Maybe Lulu thought I would beg to be released from the evils of the dust, but she had another thing coming. I wouldn't break so easily. Would I bend? Perhaps. But never would I break, especially in front of these so called "true wolves." I laughed through my violent and highly viscous sneezes, telling her to do her worst.

She took my challenge. The magnificently dressed Claude was sent into the room I was being held in and began tickling me. It took all my will to resist, but I tell you that I succeeded. Then Pink tried to tickle my already sensitive nose with a feather. Again, it didn't work. Then Red put-on Fox News and forced me to endure the worst that human civilization had to offer. Even I'm not as mean as the people on that tv are. It took all my strength of will to resist that particularly cruel torture. After that, Yellow began yodeling at the top of their voice.

But still I survived. No matter what atrocities they threw my way, no matter what they forced me to endure, I persisted.

There was a break between my tortures and Lulu's subsequent visit. I was resting, blissfully dreaming of a world devoid of tickling and stupid people spouting lies and unfounded conspiracy theories, when there was a loud knock at the door. After a moment, Lulu opened it.

"Hello there," she said. "I hoped that maybe we could chat a bit. I know you've been through so much over the past few days. You're so far from your home after all, and this mission of yours is quite daring. Venturing out into the human territories? Why, I can't imagine a coyote like yourself even attempting something like this, yet here you are."

"Maybe that's because I'm not a coyote, you ungrateful, ignorant youth! I'm a wolf. A true wolf!" I stood up, proudly holding my head in the air, showing my fine, white, wolf teeth to Lulu. "Unlike you. You're just tall and big and mean, and wear some truly fabulous coats to hide your completely unfabulous self." She smiled, and my own smile diminished a bit. Her teeth were much larger, and much sharper, than my own. I told myself that she was just bigger, but that didn't really help at all. I began to think that maybe she had a point. Maybe I was something else, something small and unnecessary. And once self-doubt begins to settle in, it's hard to get it out of your system.