The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 32

Ruel: "I look so disgusting." Ruel's hands glide over his bare torso, inspecting the skin he hasn't touched in so long. It's like he's rediscovering himself, because he's stepped into a skin he didn't know. It causes disappointment in him.

Ruel keeps his eyes fixed on his own body, which he can see through the mirror as I close the bathroom door behind me.

Yasmine: "Ruel, that's not true. Please get that out of your head."

Ruel: "Look at me. I'm damn skinny, I have bruises all over, there's a scar on my stomach and I'm weak.

His fingers run over the ribcage which has become more visible to me because he has eaten less than usual. There are indeed bruises on his body, but that for medical reasons, they will go away.

Yasmine: "You remain the beautiful boy I fell for. Who I still have a lot of love for." I tell him as I wrap my arms around his waist from behind and rest my head against his back, without asking him too much strength to keep standing that he doesn't have right now. "Mirrors don't always tell the truth, it's about how you feel in your own body. But know that the way you describe yourself is not my reality right now."

I gently kiss his back, then point him to the shower chair to sit on when I notice his legs getting weak.

Ruel: "I'm never going to be able to protect you either." Ruel notices as he runs a hand through his hand.

Slightly frowning, I look his way.

Yasmine: "You don't have to protect me physically. You already protect me mentally."

Ruel: "But that doesn't feel like enough."

For a moment his eyes wander to the tiled floor below him, then they look carefully in my direction.

Yasmine: "First you're going to protect yourself. Okay?"

I give him a loving smile as he nods his head at me. I'd rather have him come out stronger than I ever will. I save myself. To myself I am first priority but on the second rank. He is currently taking up the first one.

Behind Ruel I turn on the shower tap. It takes a while for this water to become slightly warm, which gives him time to undress. Normally a regular nurse will offer to help him take care of himself, like how I now help with showering. But the longer he is here, the more often he says no to it and asks me. I get it, now that he's becoming more aware of what's actually happening and he's starting to feel himself turning back to the person he was a little bit, it might start to feel uncomfortable. A stranger who sees him so vulnerable, even though they are just there to help him. That's their job. Moreover, they also washed him when he was in a coma and he was aware of that, but it is difficult to express your own needs. Fortunately, it is now being heard and it is okay, as long as it is done safely. And if Ruel really wants me to be there, I'll be there.

I also partially undress, but leave my underwear and thight shirt on. I am not stepping under that jet of water at the moment and plan to keep my clothes dry as well. And now if I get further wet, it's less of a problem.

Every time I see that this situation bothers him. He really feels like a patient who can't do anything, what basically also is the case, only he wants to be independent. He does not want to be dependent on others, not to be dependent on resources. It takes away a lot of freedom from him. I know this expression on his face by the thousands. Powerlessness and a feeling of guilt.

When Ruel rinses the shampoo out of his hair, after I help him wash his hair properly, I quickly pull my shirt, which has been rolled up, back down to cover the skin on my hips. After which I quickly check if everything is okay.