The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 57

Kate: "Ruel, what's going on?" Kate asks as she hands over the suitcase to Ruel who tries to get everything into the taxi as carefully as possible as if he is playing tetris.

He avoids his mother's gaze, causing her to look at me. Nonverbally asking if I know what's up. I just can't put a smile on my face for her. And I won't bother to shrug my shoulders like I have no idea what's going on.

Ruel: "It's nothing, mom."

Although it sounded so superficial, I still felt a point of irritation. Just that edge that was writhing.

Kate leaves her son alone again. Not that she believes what he says, as her eyes move back to me and then back again to find something in the change in Ruel's body language, but it remains exactly the same. Just as closed. She leaves him alone because she doesn't want him to get mad at her, to shield himself even further. Coco couldn't even make him smile with a stupid comment like this one she just made as she leaned against the taxi and watched him put all the suitcases on the taxibus. "You know, at least I walk around like everything's fine, but deep down, in my shoe, my sock is slipping off." He had traded the curling of the corners of his mouth for a death stare. Throwing up her hands in mercy, she pushed herself away from the car and got in.

If he doesn't want people to notice then he needs to do something about his behavior and expression. I wanted to tell him, but maybe it's better this way. Maybe it's good that someone finally figured it out. That someone will ask about it, so that he can finally open up. Then he can see that we care about him, how he feels inside, and that he can just tell.

Nate got into the cab after us, the very last one. Around this time I can see exactly who is a morning and evening person. One has put his head against the window or supports it with the seatbelt, the other's eyes are wide open and they prefer to have a conversation. However, many of us would reject that. It is therefore quiet for the rest of the ride.

I'm not quite sure what to do. The moment we got through security at the airport, Ruel shut himself out of the group, even disappeared under our noses a few times and only returned after a couple minutes. Every time I see him slip away again or slip into a chair a few feet away I try to ask myself one question: What does Ruel want me to do now? He doesn't necessarily show that he needs company, he will probably prefer to be alone, but maybe it's better to be with him. Though I'm quiet. Maybe it's better if you come sit with him. The conversations we've had since I came back have been so limited. Basically after I rejected Ruel during the kiss because it didn't feel right. It probably won't be because of that, it's something else. Something I know by now, or at least something else he's been hiding. That makes it difficult. If I start asking about it, he will most likely turn even further away from us, but if he needs something else from us, we should know.

My eyes drift to Ruel placing his carry-on on the hard bench a few feet away. He lifts his legs and lies on his side. Before he can slide his hands under his head, he turns around. His head is turned toward the backrest, his legs are bent uncomfortably against the bench. His hair falls gracefully over the bag he uses as a pillow.

It is still fairly quiet in the gate, that the choice for the bench far from us was easy to make. It was his escape again.

Nate turns his head to me when he's considered exactly what I had. I shrug, but he signals with his head towards Ruel. 'What?' I ask silently. Once more he nods his head towards the bench where Ruel is laying.

Yasmine: "Sorry, but I really don't know what to do with it. Only a limited number of words come out of his mouth and they have already been used this morning. I don't know anything else about what is going on in his head."

Of course I know a little bit about what's bothering him, he told me. But I just don't want to believe that's all. It is not right. My bones tingle and tell me there's more hidden. It tells me there are more words that can speak the truth. Who can give me clarity.

For a few minutes I left Ruel alone. He did not move during that time. Then the eyes were laid on me. I was expected to go to him the moment he sat apart again, but I couldn't. It felt wrong. It was fire and water that would run into each other's areas.

It is still half an hour until we can board the plane. And only now do I decide to walk up to him. My steps feel so light, are not audible because of the conversations going on around us. I quickly make contact with Michelle who is working behind her laptop and follows my route. She gives me a small smile that flattens her lips.

I kneel down in front of the bench. Strangely enough, the ground is not cold.

A simple 'hey' does not flow from my lips. It catches somewhere in the back of my throat and cannot see the light of day. It scrapes against the walls but does not rise.

An attempt to let him know I'm there is to run my hand over his hair, to plant a gentle kiss on his head. I slide closer to him and place my hand on his shoulder, gently stroking my thumb back and forth. Another kiss as he grabs my hand and holds it tight.

Yasmine: "Is there anything I can do for you?"

Ruel just shakes his head, afraid to speak. Because it doesn't pass me that his cheeks are glimmering.

Yasmine: "I wish I could take every bothersome thought away from you."

My head rests against his back as I wrap my arm across his body and give him a better hand to hold.

Minutes of silence between us tick by. In the flawed embrace, Ruel's body has begun to shake slightly. I try to calm Ruel down by rubbing my hand over his back and holding my other hand close to him for support. By using my tender words as a safe blanket. Just so that others don't have to know, because he breaks into complete silence.

My knees, pressed into the floor, are slowly starting to hurt, some nerves seem to be pinched, but I stay put. I stay with him. I keep holding him. Only now I go very quietly through his hair when I rest my head on his arm.

Next to us I hear someone tell his friend that we have to wait another five minutes. Although it has become increasingly busy around us, the silence is growing much bigger. The silence between me and Ruel and the team down the room who haven't physically interfered in all these hours.

"I think she's his medicine," I hear a familiar male voice say further on. The words can barely be fished out of the air because of the great distance between us, but they find a way inside me. It enters my blood vessels through my ear and spreads towards my heart.

"Unfortunately, medicines often have side effects," Kate replies despondently.

It stings. It fucking stings a lot. Especially because I know it's not a lie. I know what I'm causing and the guilt I feel about it is immense. I would love to take back any damage I've ever done or be able to take care of the wound professionally. I wish I wasn't made up of consequences, that I wasn't so heavy to hold. Not so heavy that fingers would bleed. I know. I know I'm not doing any good, but I hope what I'm doing is enough to keep fighting for it. Enough to keep on forgiving. Enough to accept. There's enough regret growing on my skin to pluck from.

Ruel turns a few degrees to face me. With my thumb I wipe away the tear that has remained on his cheek.

Ruel: "Thank you for being with me." A genuine smile grows on his face. Only his eyes don't participate this time. They remain just as broken as they were this morning. "Really... It's not your fault, there's nothing you can do about this."

Yasmine: "But-"

Ruel: "No," he shakes his head emphatically. "It's not fair to always think of you as the broken soul."

And in that moment the tears creep forward to gather on the edge of the abyss.

Ruel's eyes drift to the right where the team is waiting and looks at them with a hint of betrayal. He holds that look for a few seconds before turning back to me, giving me a kiss and deciding it's time to go.