The Darkness Of Healing // Ruel // English

Chapter 80

(Ruel's POV)

Fuck what have I done. Just kill me already.

Last night, after Yasmine left and walked into the night, I stood against the wall for at least another ten minutes. Leaning on the point of my head that hit the wall earlier. I deserved that. I would have even deserved it if it had given me a concussion, if it had made it impossible for me to see clearly or if there had been a hole in my head. It has only gotten me sober and shaken up my brain to think clearly again. And while I can't say I didn't mean anything that came off my lips, there are things I've said that I regret.

It wasn't until I looked myself in the mirror that I felt the blood running down my face. The only thing was, I was unharmed. It wasn't mine. It was hers. Where it came from, no idea. I could barely see through the red haze in front of my eyes and the spinning of my head. This was probably the last bit of her I had left. Those few smears of blood on my face. I bet she would have liked it if she didn't hate me now.

I had stepped under the cold shower, rinsed myself inside and out and stood under it until I thought I was frozen even to the deepest point in my bones. When I got back to the room everything was gone. Everything that belonged to Yasmine. The bed with her thick folder full of papers and her laptop, empty. The suitcases on the floor next to the closet, gone. Only the seal between the two pillows was still there. The rest, gone. I did not hear or see anyone coming in and out of the room in the time I was in the bathroom.

But it's only in the morning, when I look next to me and see the blanket on the bed still exactly the same as before I went to sleep, that I realize she's really gone. That she also hadn't come back when I was unconscious in the bed. And now some anxiety is starting to crawl under my skin. My worries begin to overcome the anger. It's both there, only one priority has taken over the other.

With the worst hangover I've had in ages, everything that happened the night before sinks back in. I slam my head into the pillow a few times, begging to go back to sleep. To be able to forget everything again. To go back in time and erase it all.

Fuck my life. Dealing with the consequences is almost always worse than dealing with the event itself.

Maybe it's a good thing what happened. Maybe it's good that she heard. That she understood my anger about it, because it was something that really bothered me. Something that scares me to be able to live. To survive. But on the other hand, I don't know if my anger towards her was justified. It is not her fault that she is constantly surrounded by danger. I know she's tired of that too. She is always on. Her eyes always alert, but so very tired.

And I wasn't stupid. I could see the red flags. Problem was, I was too in love to mind it. Because I knew that beneath all of that pain and bullshit, there was someone worth saving in there. She wasn't trying to hurt me. Not on purpose. No matter what, I would be right beside her, ready to pull her back to safety. Even if it meant that I lose myself in the process. It has always been that way.

I can't run away from her, so she did it for me.

Gosh, I have to admit, exploding like yesterday felt damn good. It has taken everything out that was stuck and actually had to be released. It has hoeed the deepest point of my soul. And besides the pounding pain in my head, the feeling that I could go throw up at any moment and the lack of the hand through my hair every morning, I feel a peace inside.

With a sigh I push myself off the mattress with my elbows. Soon my head sinks back into the pillow, my hair falls over my face, blocking the sun from streaming in, apparently I forgot to draw the curtains.

Oh please, someone close those damn curtains. I can't even open my eyes properly.

I grab my phone from the bedside table and fall back onto the mattress. No new messages. Not to make myself as selfish as I called her last night I ask Yasmine where she is. The message just doesn't get delivered. Weird. I check my own connection but there is nothing wrong with that. I probably made her so angry that she turned off her phone.