ataraxia, lorenzo berkshire

"thirty eight"

"mind explaining why i walked in on you and lorenzo tangled up in bed together?," onyx sassed, standing infront of me as i swung my legs over the side of my bed groggily - i'd just woken up.

"i don't know." i groaned, shrugging.

"you 'don't know' ?" she mocked my vague answer, scowling, "you said there wasn't anything going on between you two."

"mmm," i hummed, before slumping back onto the mattress of my bed. i'd spent the entire night disturbed with worry for lorenzo's mental state, only letting myself close my eyes for few minute intervals at a time.

"you're full of shit, you know that?," onyx sighed, before ruffling the top of my hair and walking over to the other side of the dorm room towards the bathroom to brush her teeth.

i groaned in fatigue, flipping onto my stomach and silently screeching into my mattress.

i've not only become attracted to my close friend of three years, but i've started actually getting sexually and emotionally involved with him; just my love life was finally beginning to perk up in action - i found out my cheeky linkup, at the hands of his dickwad guardian - is actually getting married. underage. and it's against his will. which is a fuck lot of commitment, and frankly is not only his nightmare, but mine too.

because sadly it's not morally intact to be attached to someone's husband. nor he to any other woman than his wife.

which will prove a struggle.

but attraction sucks. it means, when it's at a certain level of intensity, you will be willing to stick with this person during almost any circumstance - almost against your will, because you find that if you don't, your soul aches. aches for them.

what a situation i've gotten myself into.
i should become a poet.

i hate aching for lorenzo.
i do.
because it's a new feeling, a feeling i'd never expected to develop for him.
possibly theo, or xander.
but not lorenzo.
i'd spent my life being teased, tormented by him primarily and our friendship, whilst him being flirty on his end, like he is with all of our close friends, was purely platonic.

i went from feeling irritant, to becoming enthralled in him and as much as it unsettled me and is tricky to entirely come to terms with, it supplied me with some sort of comfort - but not enough to know solidly what we truly were.

it's like, since we started growing up, an insufferable tension clouded us. leaving me in the dark emotionally, with no direction to walk towards.

that, valentina, is called sexual tension.

-so i stalled.

i stalled my feelings.

and now i'm finally ready to progress, we've been burdened.

he's been burdened.
he's used to it, though.
his life being dictated for him.
his blood status immediately makes him a pawn in the power game.

it, to me, is truly ironic.
how the purest blood status is the equilibrium of a filthy, corrupt hierarchy exclusive to those pure & powerful enough.

i wish i could help him, save him from his wreckage of a future.
but i am not one of his kind, and i could never truly understand the rules of this disgusting game. fortune and power is the chess board, adults the rivalling players, and children their pawns.

lucius' power over him at home almost drew him to want to feel what it was like to have power over others. emotionally vulnerable girls.

like me.