Night Auditor

Meredith (4)

Orlando was underwhelming.

Sure, my expectation of a theme park-like city may have been absurd but I expected the city to be livelier than a few shitty drivers who didn't bother using turn signals, and that the city was in fact, forty minutes or so from Disney World on a good day. I wasn't from New York myself but having passed through nicer cities such as New Orleans and Dallas, Orlando had a lot of catching up to do.

Another choice was presented to me.

I could just go to Galaxy's Edge and have a nice fun time with my fellow out-of-towners, have a glass of this so-called Blue Milk, and spend a bit more money for one night in a nice comfortable hotel inside the park.

Or I could head further south towards the keys and stick to the original unofficial plan.

I sat in traffic on Orange Avenue and suddenly regretted driving through the downtown area just to clear my mind. If anything, the blood-pumping traffic and blind pedestrians only made me feel like murdering someone myself.

One block over, a traffic light had forced me to wait by the intersection of Orange and Church only to be once again stopped by another traffic light 800 feet further. The madness was getting worse by the multitude.

Having realized I was distracting myself from the first dilemma, I made an attempt to clear my head and asked myself once again: Galaxy's Edge or Key West?

It should be Galaxy's Edge. I already decided this trip was for Billy anyway. In memory of his time on Earth before he took his last breath that winter night. The point was to... was... what was the point of this?

Why shouldn't I go to Key West? This trip didn't have to be dedicated to my dead husband. This could be a celebration of the new chapter of my life because the healthy thing to do was to move on. Why should I punish myself for having better cardio health and outlasting Billy?

Then again, what was the point? Key West or Galaxy's Edge, I wasn't going to be happy. Key West or Galaxy's Edge, Billy was still gone. Really, the true question was, which one should I go to first? I had all the time in the world. All the time to celebrate Billy's life and celebrate mine until I, too, would take my last breath and see Billy in the afterlife if it even existed.

The afterlife.

I was a hardcore believer that much like the core nature of the universe, everything had a cause and an effect. We were all here because we-- humans, animals, the Earth-- were an effect of something that existed before us. It didn't matter which religion. It was all the same thing, just a different translation. Atheists would call it the Big Bang and Christians believe it was Day One of God's little schedule. And of course the universe was still expanding. We were just a micro building block of something much bigger than we were allowed to perceive.

And that was okay. In fact, it made life more beautiful. We were here to experience life as we were supposed to and then we would go back to nature and disappear so that new cells--or rather, new life-- could continue to exist.

Yet here I was, hoping that the concept of an afterlife existed. Because if I had the chance to live a life again, I would still choose Billy. I would still choose the nights we smoked on the couch after both having worked seventy hours each week. I would still choose to go between Disney parks with him because his enthusiasm was enough for me to enjoy something I didn't care for. I would do it all over again. The good, the bad, even the night I last saw him in life again.

At this point I only noticed I'd parked by the shoulder of Interstate 75. Auto mode had taken me back south on the road, ending my dilemma.