Including You!

CREST

Now that we have a understanding of sex and gender let's move onto the bedroom and intimate space. I am often asked about my personal identity. I identify as a Polyamorous Pansexual Transgender Woman.

People never actually ask the question they truly want the answer to. The question they really desire to ask is the follow up to it, which is:

"What is your sexuality in the bedroom given your partner is a Transgender Woman as well?" The answer is: This is a lesbian relationship. That does not make me a lesbian by default. I am still pansexual. I still have attraction to males, females and non-binary identifying people.

I could claim bisexual, but I am then communicating to those who are non-binary I am a believer in the binary system and erasing my attraction to those who do not fit on the male or female category.

I want to point out that people like to talk about sex. They use this information to judge others as well. When a topic is taboo to another like kink or queer sex, it becomes a subject of anxiety and often panic sets in before a calamity unfolds.

I hope now that we have a working language around sex and gender for the moment that we can talk about sexual encounters and sharing space with another partner.

Whether you enjoy vanilla ice cream or metropolitan with Reese's and caramel with sprinkles on top we can all agree that sex, when performed under the proper circumstances can be ecstatic.

Before we can get to sex we should discuss expectations. The first barrier is consent. Consent is often glazed over. I want to say that assumed consent, verbaless nods and half heartedness are not signs of consent I look for.

When I seek consent I am looking for enthusiasm. I am looking for verbal and body language cues that encourage the mood. If there is any lack of enthusiasm in the scene I try to find out if my partner is still consent. Checking in only necessary of the scene was interrupted or something happens to change the mood.

Part of consenting is communication. Being able to communicate your fantasy and desires is what is most desired. Let us not forget that we need respect for each other.

Respect is a broad term. Someone who has insulted me or hurt me in any non-sexual manner is reducing or eliminating the chances of being my sexual partner. This also includes me observing other people have their boundaries violated or be disrespected as well.

Respect means there is an acceptance to my ability to withdraw my consent or change it and negotiate the power I am yielding to another partner. Respect is both parties not just sharing space but also having knowledge of each other as well as knowledge of the sexual activities they are about engage in, especially if it is kink related.

Equality comes to mind at this point. Equality is not about suissiveness or dominance. It is about shared knowledge. It is about both partners sharing their desires as well as turn offs.

Behaviors tolerated are turn-ons. Behaviors that are tolerated but not your favorite flavor are called soft limits. Behaviors that are banned or not tolerated and will destroy a mood are called hard limits. Partners who can communicate and respect each other's limits and turn-ons will find them have a much healthier sex life.

The submissive should not cower at their Dominant's commands or living around them. They should respect them and desire to serve. It is not about fear or intimidating the submissive. The submissive is allowed to have control of their sexual activity to the limit of what they permit with their partner.

Some partners use cock cage. The sub may wear the cage 24/7. The sub gets irritated and the skin begins to rash. The Dom would allow the sub to help. They would keep torturing the irritated testicles. This is not safe nor is it pleasurable to the submissive. It hampers the mood.

This brings me to expectations. When you and your partner exchange power, recognize that real life will not permit a 24/7 submissive status without pause. I am an extraordinarily submissive sub but I have ebbs and flow in my moods to be sexual or compliant. It is not my Dommie Mommie's fault. She also has limited energy to be dominant. It takes effort and upkeep to play.

Safety is about education. It is understanding how to negotiate a scene. It is knowing not just your role but also your partner's role. If you plan on using rope, you should have been through a shibari course and have someone who is familiar with rope on standby in or near the scene. Having knowledge of your equipment, it's use and how to safely store it when not using it are all apart of being in the lifestyle of kink.

Safety also includes the consent aspect. Trust is built when a partner is vulnerable and the other partner does not use the vulnerability to assault them. Part of scenes is to being able to work a scene and use safewords.

Safewords have become the punchline of BDSM. The reality is that you can communicate a lot to your partner about how your experiencing a scene. The less interruptions in a scene the more successful it will be.

Safewords can be used to determine what is enthusiastic, what to slow down on or change up and what to stop in a scene or to stop a scene. Safewords are not for competitive measure. Safewords are amazing ways to have a power exchange.

By using a safewords and the Dom respecting your safewords, it will build more trust. You will also learn to express your scene more playfully while not feeling like stopping one part of a scene will collapse an entire scene. It does not have to be that way.

Trust is established by starting with these basic things.

C consent
R respect
E equality
S safety
T trust

This is the foundation to a relationship. I would add time, communication, honesty, and effort are also needed in the realtionship to keep it alive. The energy you pour into your dynamics is what you will reap from them.

I hope we have safer homes with more sexual freedom and longer, higher valued relationships both in the platonic realm and permissive realm.