In hopes to find love

The bane of his existance.

The feeling of his body on hers was all that went through Anas head, she had tried her hardest to avoid him for days although it was quite hard considering I had practically lived there.

'The frenzy of competition. The thrilling delight of hazarding your all. I am referring not to the lure of London's luxurious gaming halls, but to a gamble with far higher stakes. Matrimony. For once that particular wager is placed, it cannot easily be undone. A fact which, I'm sure, is met with both regret and sheer relief.' Lady Whistledown

I had spent most my days sorting out my mamas letters and paying off everyone, reading, dancing and listening to Eloise, although today I had ended up at the town. I had not gone down for anything specific merely just To pass time.

Anthony Bridgerton had been the first boy I had feelings for, he had made me feel wanted that night and the many nights before...I had only wish I made him feel the same.

It seemed everyone was promenading through the park, I was walking with my maid as a chaperone, I sat on the grass watching the people around me watching as Anthony trips into the water everyone around laughing as I stand to the edge of the water
As he pulls himself up

'My lord. Are you alright?' I ask holding in a laugh
'Quite alright. Ana thank you.' He says with a raised eyebrow his eyes not looking so dull anymore. That's the Anthony I remember.

My walk back home was only a few minutes and even then I was met with my mama drunk on the floor of the sitting room 'good god' I mumble as I call for maids to bring some help, after getting my mama to bed I had sat beside her on the bed as it had all been let out, all the pain from my mama, Anthony, even Colin.

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'Anthony are you quite alright?' I ask as Anthony knocks quite heavily on my door 'Miss edwina was suppose to marry a good english man, in order to get her trust fund handed to her.' He replies breathlessly I did not know what to do except invite him into the sitting room for tea 'Miss sharma, her sister, she knew all along, and she did not think to tell miss edwina or me. There is not even a dowry' he rants on making me loose my patience even more 'GOSH Anthony I do not care for your marriage, I do not care for what is happening with Miss edwina! Do you not realise that? I am so close to be leaving for Ireland to get away from all of this!' I burst
'And it it not far enough!' Anthony interprets

'do you think that there is a corner of this earth that you could travel to far away enough to free me from this torment?' He asks 'I am a gentleman. My father raised me to act with Honor, but honor is hanging by a thread that grows more precarious with every moment I spend in your presence.' I stand silently only looking at him. As if everything around me disappeared. 'You are the bane of my existence. And the object of all my desires. Night and day, I dream of you. And what I... do you even know all the ways a lady can be seduced? The things I could teach you.' He whispers softly his face centimetres away from mine, my breath caught in my throat and that butterfly feeling back again. 'I did not ask for this.' I whisper 'to be plagued by these feelings. Hiding from my friends. Being driven to distraction everytime you enter a room.'

Anthony pushes my hair behind my ear again his hand finally resting on my face and I'm sure he can feel the heat of my burning cheeks 'then you agree. It is insupportable.' 'Impossible' our lips were so close yet so so far when Anthony pulled back shaking his head no. Moving away from me entirely 'if I wed miss edwina. We will be apart for eternity, and I will spend everyday of my marriage wanting you, dreaming of you, dreading the day when my last thread of honor finally snaps. Is that the future you want for us? For miss Edwina?'
I do not reply I look away trying to keep the tears falling from my eyes and hoping he realises, that I was there, it was me, not miss edwina. Me. 'I must go' is all I hear before he rushes downstairs and out of my house leaving me alone again.

He had told me he wanted me, it was not all I wanted but I could settle for it now. All I wanted for him to feel the same way some day. I did not think it would be before his wedding. Nevermind it be his wedding to someone else, I was his, I was always going to be his. Wether he is mine or not, I knew he had atleast felt feelings toward me and I knew that my heart would be his.

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'Duty. More than laws or faith, I have often thought it the bond that holds our fragile society together. Duty to rank and title, fidelity to one's family name. It demands both utter obedience and total sacrifice. But what happens when such duty is in conflict with the hearts true desire? Why, then, there is the potential for a considerable scandal, indeed. The only question is, will the parties in question heed my warning? Or is it already too late to turn back to duty and away from desire?' Whistledown.

'I see you continue here with your morning rides.' Anthony states as he gets off of his horse meeting my halfway from mine 'as do you it seems.' I smile back 'I couldn't sleep' 'nor could I...have you decided what you will do?' I ask desperately 'long have I wrestled with it, but I see no other option. I will talk with miss Edwina today and see my way to ending things...it is the only way to ensure that the two of us can be rid of this impossible situation. Once the engagement is over, we will see where it ends up...' he concludes

'you cannot...you cannot really think I will stand by and know it was me who broke this engagement off? She is all things good and true a kind soul which is hard to find. I could not live with myself if I robbed her of her happiness...as much as I would like to the guilt would kill me anthony. You know it would.' I argue 'I do not understand. You have been against this union from the start..' 'you once saw her as your perfect match. You will find your way to believing it again...you must do what's best for you and her and your family. Because this feeling that plagues you so, it will pass. It will become tenable, it will become bearable, and soon enough it will be as if you never felt it at all. It must because it has to. And I will do as I do all the time. Hide it.' I rant his sigh giving me more than enough of an answer 'very well. I shall see that the wedding shall take place as soon as possible.' With that he grabbed his horse and left. Leaving me again in my thoughts, it's becoming a habit of ours.