Unanticipated. //STEDDIE (DISCONTINUED)

18

We got the call that Dad died about a week after that.
I didn't go to his funeral. I couldn't. Mom begged me and begged me but I just couldn't do it. He's my dad, but I couldn't be there and pretend like I didn't hate him.
Mom said people were going to be confused why his only son didn't show up to his funeral. She'd figure out a lie to get out of it. She always does.

The days were getting slower and slower. It felt like I had a lack of closure, closure that I needed to keep going. There's so much I wanted to say to him. So much I wanted to SCREAM at him, that I didn't say, or scream.  I should have.
Eddie was quiet. So was I. It was like we barely talked to each other as the days passed. I hated it. I wanted to talk to him but it was like I couldn't. Every time I tried I'd choke up, or not know what id say. We weren't angry or upset with each other, we didn't fight, but something was blocked. It was probably just my fault. I was in a funk after my dad's death.

I was sitting on our bed staring at the ceiling when the thought of my dad's letter came to my head. I forgot he had given it to me. He was dead now. Maybe I could read it. Maybe that would fix what's going on with me.
I reached under the bed where I had put it, and held the envelope in my hands.
For Steve.
The handwriting was shakey.
I reluctantly ripped the envelope and felt the letter in my hand. The writing was almost illegible, but I could make it out.

Dear Steve.
If you're reading it this I must have died. I guess it had to happen sooner or later.
There's a lot I need to say to you that I've been incapable of saying in the past. Things I should have said in the past.
I don't say this a lot, but I love you. I do love you. I have always loved you.
Everything I ever did to you was wrong. This letter isn't me making excuses, but I do want to explain a bit to you.
I grew up the way you did. My dad, was me. I grew up where what I did to you, was normal. I was wrong to believe it was right, because the truth is I hated it. I hated my dad, just like you hated me. I hated him but I became him. He was into drugs and alcohol like I was. Gave it to me when I was little. I was always fucked up like this. Even though it's his fault I am the way I am, you had nothing to do with him. The only parenting I had ever seen was the parenting I was given. There aren't books or movies on how to be a good dad. All you have is the dad you had before.
You were an accident, to be frank. We didn't mean to have you, but we were still happy with your arrival. I thought what I did would make a man out of you. I wanted to be a good dad, but I didn't know what a good dad was. You would have been better with anyone else. I shouldn't have been a dad. You deserved a better life that I was incapable of giving you.

I saw my tears drop on the paper.

Please, never turn out like me. You see where that got me. you deserve to feel loved. Your kids deserve to feel love. Don't be me. I wasn't a father. My father wasn't a father, and my father's father wasn't a father.
I want you to have a kid one day. I want you to a father. A real one. I want you to break the cycle of shitty dad's in this family tree of ours. Even if you don't have kids, I know that you'll influence people in your life, in a positive way. You have people in your life that look up to you, and love you. That's what being a father should be.

I thought of Dustin as I read that.

I loved you. And I cared about you. All the alcohol and the drugs kept me away from that. It kept me away from feeling that. That's why I always left. I was never home because I was someone that I hated when I was home. I don't want you, to ever feel that way. I don't want you to be like me.
Never touch alcohol. Ever. I don't care if you're 21, or 45. Don't drink it. It's evil, and all it will do will hurt you.

I started to think of Eddie.

Im sorry for what I did to you. I don't want you to forgive me. I want you to burn this after you read it, and live a life bringing joy into other people's lives. Do something I could never do.
I love you.

He signed it, but it trailed off at the end.
My chest was heavy. I thought about everything that he said.
He was right. I hate to say that, but he was.
My first thought was Dustin. I needed to go see Dustin.
I know Dustin doesn't have a dad. His dad left them when he was very young, and he says that it doesn't bother him but I know it does.
I thought about an incident about a year ago, after what happened at Starcourt. I took him to the arcade, and when he got out of the car, he said
"Thanks dad."
I remember he got red in the face, and when I looked at him he started to cry in embarrassment. I just remember hugging him, and then he went inside. We never talked about it again.
I like being a father figure for Dustin. With him I could be everything my dad wasn't, and I want that.
I know that's what my dad wants for me too.

° ° °

HEY I KNOW THIS IS REALLY REALLY SHORT
I haven't updated in over a week which feels like a long time for me so I felt I had to get something out lol

School started a bit ago and I've been exhausted and stressed with that so I've been writing a lot less. Im trying to get back into it but my motivation kinda DROPPED so I'm sorry lol
Anyways enjoy this short update and I'll try to continue soon :)